How to Practice Detachment and Restore Your Peace

One commenter to “The Best Thing to Do When You Are Highly Emotional” asked the $64,000 question:

HOW do I detach in the middle of an overwhelming situation?

Before I answer, let me say that I’m no expert. Just a sister HSP, wanting to become more joy-full and peace-full. Sharing what I’m learning on this journey from tools that don’t work any more (and never really did) to finding new tools.

With that caveat, today, I’ll offer a partial answer. Then, in my next post, I’ll build on this one with some really practical nitty-gritty how-to steps.

So hang in here with me, okay?

An “In Tense” Reaction to Feeling Overwhelmed

I recently read the book Stressed-Less Living, in which Tracie Miles discusses the role of adrenaline in stressful situations. This reminded me of the chapter in Fred Jones‘ book Tools for Teaching, in which he analyzes the adrenaline-driven stress reactions many teachers are prone to.

From a basic stress/adrenaline standpoint, this is the  the reaction sequence I’ve considered “normal” my entire life. Not because I thought it was good or right or valuable. But because it was all I knew.

A triggering event occurs.

1. I have an involuntary initial fight, flight, or freeze response: I “tense up.”
2. I stay tense, so a flood of adrenaline is dumped into my bloodstream. The adrenaline level will subside over the next 25-30 minutes as long as no more triggering events occur.
3. (During the 25-30 minutes) I analyze, theorize, and personalize the triggering event. I “tense up” even more.
4. Another flood of adrenaline — this time triggered by my inner thoughts — is dumped into my bloodstream. The adrenaline level will subside over the next 25-30 minutes as long as no more triggering events occur.
5. (During the 25-30 minutes) I connect the most recent triggering event to similar events in the past. I “tense up” some more.
6. Yet another flood of adrenaline — once again, triggered by my inner thoughts — is dumped into my bloodstream. The adrenaline level will subside over the next 25-30 minutes as long as no more triggering events occur.
7. (During the 25-30 minutes) I realize that I’m getting more and more upset and feel helpless to do anything about it. I “tense up” even more than before.
8. Yet another flood of adrenaline — yes, again triggered by my inner thoughts — is dumped into my bloodstream. The adrenaline level will subside over the next 25-30 minutes as long as no more triggering events occur.

Do you see why I’m calling this an “in tense” reaction? My body is literally staying “in tense” mode the entire time!

And you can see how this is an exhaustingly self-perpetuating cycle: the more I react, the more I react.

You can also see the hopelessness of the cycle: in order for me to stop reacting, I have to stop reacting!

Add in someone who says, “You must like doing this to yourself!” or “You’re such a Drama Queen!” and the internal re-triggering is relentless.

How to Practice Detachment When You’re Feeling “In Tense”

Revisiting the same scenario, with a the key changes in bold.

A triggering event occurs.

1. I have an involuntary initial fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response: I “tense up.”
2. I recognize that my brain will interpret my “in tense” body signals as a request for adrenaline. So, I detach from the situation, short-circuiting the adrenaline dump.
3. I start to analyze, theorize, and personalize the triggering event. I realize that I am starting to become “in tense” again.
4. I detach from the situation, short-circuiting the adrenaline dump.
5. I start to connect the most recent triggering event to similar events in the past. I sense myself starting to get “in tense” again.
6. I detach from the situation, short-circuiting the adrenaline dump.
7. I realize that I’m getting less and less upset about the situation and am making wise choices even as I’m aware of my emotions.
8. I am overjoyed! I celebrate!

Practical Tools for Becoming Less “In Tense”

This post outlines the process of how to practice detachment. If you’re wondering exactly what “I detach” looks and sounds and feels like? Stay tuned. They’re up next!

If you’re seeking to learn how to practice detachment, read the whole series:

1.  “The One Thing NOT to Do When You Feel Overreactive“
2.  “The Best Thing to Do When You Are Highly Emotional“
3.  “How to Practice Detachment and Restore Your Peace“
4.  “When Disaster Strikes: 5 Ways to Push Pause Rather Than React”
5.  “How to Use ANCHOR Verses to Quickly Calm Your Heart”