How to Practice Detachment and Restore Your Peace
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One commenter to “The Best Thing to Do When You Are Highly Emotional” asked the $64,000 question:
HOW do I detach in the middle of an overwhelming situation?
Before I answer, let me say that I’m no expert. Just a sister HSP, wanting to become more joy-full and peace-full. Sharing what I’m learning on this journey from tools that don’t work any more (and never really did) to finding new tools.
With that caveat, today, I’ll offer a partial answer. Then, in my next post, I’ll build on this one with some really practical nitty-gritty how-to steps.
So hang in here with me, okay?
An “In Tense” Reaction to Feeling Overwhelmed
I recently read the book Stressed-Less Living, in which Tracie Miles discusses the role of adrenaline in stressful situations. This reminded me of the chapter in Fred Jones‘ book Tools for Teaching, in which he analyzes the adrenaline-driven stress reactions many teachers are prone to.
From a basic stress/adrenaline standpoint, this is the the reaction sequence I’ve considered “normal” my entire life. Not because I thought it was good or right or valuable. But because it was all I knew.
A triggering event occurs.
- I have an involuntary initial fight, flight, or freeze response: I “tense up.”
- I stay tense, so a flood of adrenaline is dumped into my bloodstream. The adrenaline level will subside over the next 25-30 minutes as long as no more triggering events occur.
- (During the 25-30 minutes) I analyze, theorize, and personalize the triggering event. I “tense up” even more.
- Another flood of adrenaline — this time triggered by my inner thoughts — is dumped into my bloodstream. The adrenaline level will subside over the next 25-30 minutes as long as no more triggering events occur.
- (During the 25-30 minutes) I connect the most recent triggering event to similar events in the past. I “tense up” some more.
- Yet another flood of adrenaline — once again, triggered by my inner thoughts — is dumped into my bloodstream. The adrenaline level will subside over the next 25-30 minutes as long as no more triggering events occur.
- (During the 25-30 minutes) I realize that I’m getting more and more upset and feel helpless to do anything about it. I “tense up” even more than before.
- Yet another flood of adrenaline — yes, again triggered by my inner thoughts — is dumped into my bloodstream. The adrenaline level will subside over the next 25-30 minutes as long as no more triggering events occur.
Do you see why I’m calling this an “in tense” reaction? My body is literally staying “in tense” mode the entire time!
And you can see how this is an exhaustingly self-perpetuating cycle: the more I react, the more I react.
You can also see the hopelessness of the cycle: in order for me to stop reacting, I have to stop reacting!
Add in someone who says, “You must like doing this to yourself!” or “You’re such a Drama Queen!” and the internal re-triggering is relentless.
How to Practice Detachment When You’re Feeling “In Tense”
Revisiting the same scenario, with a the key changes in bold.
A triggering event occurs.
- I have an involuntary initial fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response: I “tense up.”
- I recognize that my brain will interpret my “in tense” body signals as a request for adrenaline. So, I detach from the situation, short-circuiting the adrenaline dump.
- I start to analyze, theorize, and personalize the triggering event. I realize that I am starting to become “in tense” again.
- I detach from the situation, short-circuiting the adrenaline dump.
- I start to connect the most recent triggering event to similar events in the past. I sense myself starting to get “in tense” again.
- I detach from the situation, short-circuiting the adrenaline dump.
- I realize that I’m getting less and less upset about the situation and am making wise choices even as I’m aware of my emotions.
- I am overjoyed! I celebrate!
Practical Tools for Becoming Less “In Tense”
This post outlines the process of how to practice detachment. If you’re wondering exactly what “I detach” looks and sounds and feels like? Stay tuned. They’re up next!
Very nice. The negative spiral of beating myself up when feeling overwhelmed has stymied me before. I’ve asked for mental healing. This is a good website! I will try some of this detachment dialog and see how it goes. Not about me and step back.
I’m reading your book, OVERWHELMED, and am loving it so far. Through it, I discovered this website and your many helpful posts. I spent hours on it yesterday. 🙂 THANK YOU!
I believe things I’m learning here are truly helping me. Now to implement what I’m learning. 🙂
I’m having trouble finding the post that is supposed to follow this one.
“Wondering what “I detach” looks and sounds and feels like? Stay tuned! They’re up next!”
Could you please share the link with me?
Thanks again! I truly appreciate your vulnerability and wisdom in sharing your heart! You are a blessing!
Reading your post I kept thinking, but how do you, “detach”. I am glad that is your next post! 🙂 I “detach” by turning to God and choosing not to be anxious. I actually say that. ” I choose not to be anxious and trust in You, because I know you love me, want the best for me and are completely soverign and in control.” Having said this, I had the adrenline rush last Friday and was overwhelmed time and time again. I felt completely out of control of my physical adrenaline response. I turned to God and prayed, but every time I thought about the situation it would rush right back. Just like you describe in this post. You are so right, my thoughts were overwhelming me…now I see. I turned to God, but did not fully release to Him. Can’t wait for your next post. My thoughts/emotions have been a thorn in my side for many years and I have been asking Jesus for healing.
April — I can’t promise any quick or easy answers, but I’ll share what I’m learning! I SO understand what you describe about everything rushing right back…THAT very syndrome is what I’m seeking “new tools” for in earnest these days!