We’ve always known that we’re a quirky family; we like to think it’s part of what makes us so endearing. But until a few years ago, I didn’t realize that our seemingly unrelated foibles actually fall under the same umbrella.
Each of us becomes easily over-stimulated.
- I get a splitting headache if someone is smoking anywhere near me.
- Daniel can’t make it through the day without taking an afternoon nap
- One of our kids won’t eat crunchy peanut butter (or nuts, for that matter.)
- The other won’t wear clothes until the itchy sewn-in labels are all cut off.
According to Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, “Most of us feel overstimulated every once in a while, but for the highly sensitive person, it’s a way of life.”
When I was reading the book last year, I had Daniel, Jonathon, and Annemarie each take Aron’s self-assessment. I read the questions aloud and tabulated the responses for each member of our family.
Turns out that each one of us is, by Aron’s definition, a “highly sensitive person.” Each one of us is an HSP meaning that we all become easily over-stimulated. But each of us has a unique combination of over stimulants.
Suddenly, our intense family loyalty–and hair-trigger ability to get on each other’s nerves!–made all sorts of sense.
I’ve shared what I’m learning about being a “highly-sensitive person” with every friend who will stand still long enough to listen. And their feedback sounds like:
- “My family told me I was imagining things when I got headaches from being in noisy crowds.”
- “Everyone tells me I am an extrovert, but I thought I was a ‘failed extrovert’ because I get to a point when I just have to leave, no matter how much fun the party is.”
- “I’ve always thought I was defective because I cry so easily.”
- “I don’t like being touched by strangers, which earned me the label ‘aloof’ from church members when I avoided the welcome hugs.”
- “My entire life makes sense now.”
None of my friends, or the women I’ve talked with at MOPS groups and women’s retreats, were ever taught that being a Highly Sensitive Person is even a thing, let alone how to work with her own unique mix of sensitivities.
Just the word “sensitive” has very different connotations to different people. When I asked survey participants to classify sensitive as positive, neutral, or negative when applied to a woman (as in “She is a sensitive woman”), ⅓ considered it positive, ⅓ saw it as neutral, and ⅓ felt it was negative.
In contrast, words like “perceptive,” “responsive,” and “tenderhearted” came in at 95%+ positive.
During the last five years that I’ve known I’m an HSP, I’ve found that women have one of two reactions to learning that they’re an HSP:
- Relief — Yay! There’s a name for this! I’m not crazy!
- Rejection — No way. Not me. I will not be an HSP!
Your Turn
How do you perceive the word “sensitive”? How do you feel about being an HSP?
HSP Part 1: What Does It Mean to be an HSP?
HSP Part 2: When You’ve Heard “Just Get Over It”
HSP Part 3: It’s “Just So Hard Being Me”
I took the Myers Briggs personality test and scored both INFJ and ISFJ. Years later I scored ESFJ. Then I was introduced to HSP and it has really helped me understand myself more. Thank you for this site!
Relief – for sure! I am so glad to have found your site for Christian women… I am sharing articles with my husband to hep him understand me better also (and just in case he thought I was a little crazy too!).
I agree to the comment policy. I now see that others are like me. I am surrounded by extroverts who don’t seem to understand me and are very critical. Why don’t extroverts understand HSP?
I fall into the Yay category! This past year has been a game changer for me! I have delved into what it really means to be a Meyers Briggs INFJ and a HSP….I wonder how often these two go together? Anyway, I am now embracing my personality and loving myself for the first time ever! I guess I finely figured out the meaning of “finding myself”! Thanks so much for this site!
I am an INFJ and an HSP so you are not alone. So happy to have found this group. I am the odd man out in my family and group of friends. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what is wrong with me or what makes me different than most. I was so happy to learn that I don’t have a personality disorder or mental illness and am just a kind and generous soul.
I am definatelt a HSP
At this starting point in my journey to understanding something that has been a trial my entire life, I would say “sensitive” is a bad word. I heard it from others and I told it to myself too many times for me to think I will ever put it in the good category. I do like that there is hope on the horizon. I can equip myself with the tools I need to handle situations and my reactions. Thank you doesn’t suffice, but it’s all I can say!
Hello Cheri. Thank you so much for this. When I first heard about, then read Elaine Arons’ book, I was relieved, elated and very thankful for all of her hard work and the comfort it gave me. Finally, for the first time in my 61 yrs. I felt more than okay! I have struggled with my sensitivity for my entire life, along with all the personal attacks that came with it. (I scored 96 on my sensitivity test) After answering your questions on your survey quite awhile back, I have been eager to see your results. I have been spending hours reading your posts. What a breath of fresh air! Thank you a thousand times. God bless you richly. …. Debbie
I am 54 and have been told I am “too sensitive” all my life. I was probably in 3rd or 4th grade the first time a friend told me that I think too much. I struggled with a deep self loathing most of my life because of feeling so different. God be thanked that (someplace in my journey of learning to love myself) I came to understand that in being sensitive I could be sensitive to other’s needs and hearts -so I have been able to find value in it. I have had to develop a sort of mental a bumper pad to prevent things that people (who don’t get me) say from completely unearthing me. I can’t wait to dive into your materials…I think my daughter is also a HSP.
With age I grew to realize I am highly sensitive. And have grown to see it can be a good thing. But it wasn’t always like that and I still struggle with it around some people who do seem irritated with how I cry easy and am sensitive to emotions. My dad issue the main one who always has thought I was too sensitive. I
Hi Cheri,
What an interesting topic! I’ve so enjoyed reading this and am going to read the other two posts you’ve written. I think the word sensitive has negative connotations to most people, though I see it as a good thing. Perhaps that’s cuz I am one. lol I suspect I’m off-the-charts sensitive. *sigh* Thank God for His grace, and a sense of humor!
I’m quite intrigued by the book you mentioned and will have to pick up a copy.
My definition of sensitive has always been someone who has empathy for the situation or people. Some people consider me a sensitive person but I never felt it an insult, maybe I should reconsider?
I spent my life with a “Just Get Over It” mother. It was not until my, now almost 9 yr old, granddaughter, was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Integration Disorder, that I realized I am not just: picky, or aloof or imagining skin irritation from clothes, or not really feeling a headache from loud sound, or unfriendly because I must get away from a crowd or group so I don’t scream, or just too sensitive! Many of these issues, I have been able to adjust to or compensate for, or learn how to avoid, but it is part of my daily life, and my granddaughter’s. Sometimes it just gets wearing, so I have learned to keep focusing on a day at a time–sometimes just on the next few minutes. 🙂 My granddaughter is getting plenty of help with her issues, thank God, and I know she will, in time, be able to handle them in positive ways. The Lord will use them to develop her character, and she will become a fine woman of God, who is “more sensitive than most”!