HSP Part 4: Why Self-Care is Anything But Selfish
“Growing Sensitive & Strong” is the life-changing program that moves you from “What’s wrong with me?” to comfortable and confident in who God made you as a Highly Sensitive Person.
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I ended HSP Part 3 by promising: More about the more-sensitive-than-most woman’s relationship to self-care, Christ, and community tomorrow!
I then launched an in-depth personal “research project”…otherwise known as a 1,000 mile road trip with two parents and two college kids in one vehicle!
We got home late Saturday night, and for the last few days, I’ve been wandering around the house saying, “I’m so glad to be in my own home…with my own bed…with my cats…and my prayer chair in the morning…”
I’ve created a home environment that’s conducive to self-care. When I’m on the road, it’s not impossible to meet my HSP needs. It’s just more difficult and requires much greater intentionality.
Lack of Self-Care Triggers Weakness
Before I learned about being a “highly sensitive person,” I was stuck in a no-win paradox:
I hated my neediness.
And I hated the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that resulted from having so many unmet needs.
I blamed others for not taking better care of me…even as I rebuffed all offers of help.
My friends and family had little choice but to “walk on eggshells” around me. I knew it and hated it and them and myself all at the same time.
What a mess!
Self-Care is Our “Jam Jar”
Back to the food sensitivity analogy: when Bobby spent time with our family, he brought his own jam jar.
He didn’t try to use our jam jar, as he knew it was contaminated with peanut butter. And he didn’t expect us to have an unopened jar of jam just waiting for him to use exclusively.
Bobby brought his own jam jar and put a “Keep Out!” label on it to remind all peanut butter knife-wielders to stay away.
For those of us who are more-sensitive-than-most, self-care is our “jam jar.”
Self-Care Empowers
When we practice self-care, we reject
- manipulative mind games (i.e. “If they really loved me they’d know my needs!)
- blame (i.e. “It’s your fault that you’re so needy.”)
- shame (i.e. “You don’t deserve to have your needs met.”)
When we practice self-care, we take responsibility for
- knowing our needs,
- meeting our needs, and
- educating others about our needs.
What Self-Care Looks Like for Me
I’m working on a comprehensive, customizable assessment for those who are more-sensitive-than-most that will help them (a) determine their areas of highest sensitivity and (b) develop personalize plans for self-care.
For now, here are some examples of self-care measures I’ve taken in the last couple of weeks while I’ve been on the road:
- A water bottle. I kept re-filling at water fountains. The more hydrated I am, the more alert I feel! Conversely, when I get dehydrated, I start feeling “out of it” but usually can’t figure out why.
- Ear plugs. When I stay overnight in a new environment, all the new sounds keep me jumpy and rob me of sleep. I’ve learned that I can hear my alarm just fine through the earplugs, but they help me create a much more peaceful private “bubble” for rest.
- Power Bars. No, they aren’t the tastiest things ever invented. But when my blood sugar starts to crash, having a quick source of protein is better than waiting hours until the next meal. (And far better than relying on whatever sugar-and-fat-filled items are in the vending machine!)
- Permission to retreat. My natural drive is to arrive at events early and attend every possible session, break-out, late-night, early-morning, you-name-it workshop available. I’ve learned to order the mp3 files of the entire conference, which guarantees that I’ll eventually get all the content, and then let my energy be my guide. It’s usually wisest for me to skip at least one major session per day so I can head back to my room to put up my feet, use my Thermaphore on my back and shoulders, sip some water, eat an apple, and close my eyes for 10-15 minutes.
- Writing in a journal. When I journal regularly, I feel like my thoughts and feelings and observations and questions have a safe place to go. When I don’t, I feel like they’re building and building and building…or, worse yet, they’re getting lost. When I write down a problem I want to tackle later, it no longer has the power to keep me mulling and stewing about it in the moment. I control my thoughts rather than allowing them to control me.
- Quiet Time to start my day. When I start in a frantic rush, or by logging into Facebook, I become increasingly overwhelmed as the day progresses, allowing myself to be pulled in a million different directions. When I start by immersing myself in God’s word and taking the time–calm, quiet, uninterrupted time–to hear from Him, I am much more present and response-able (vs. knee-jerk reactive) throughout the day.
In Part 5, we’ll talk about the power (and pitfalls!) of community.
Your Turn
What are your favorite forms of self-care?
HSP Part 1: What Does It Mean to be an HSP?
HSP Part 2: When You’ve Heard “Just Get Over It”
HSP Part 3: It’s “Just So Hard Being Me”
HSP Part 4: Why Self-Care is Anything But Self-ish
HSP Part 5: Why HSPs Need Community
Thanks! This is so me and love the encouragement!!
Dear Cheri,
I have been feeling so overwhelmed recently. I cried last night because I was actually feeling hate towards my son and my husband. I just wanted peace and I felt they needed to go away in order to get that. Thank you so much for writing about this. I just found your blog today. God led me here after I broke down and begged for help. I can’t thank you enough. You describe me to a T. My HSP self assessment is literally 100. I am so grateful to know there are others out there. You are so strong for writing about this and helping others like yourself. I am so grateful, words cannot express how much I needed this.
I do however struggle with nutrition and walking which keeps me happy and sane. However in the face of all that needs to be done, these needs get relegated to the back burner, and all the “needs” suffer as I am not in a great space spiritually and mentally, due to neglecting my needs
Quiet time definately, also notice that if I wake up into these things, the day feels more frantic.
With church camps I am trying to have a 30 Min time away to rest and recharge so be around others without feeling drained, so I can lovingly enjoy my time with my sister’s and church community.
These are great tips! I struggle with self-care BIG time a this season of life. I have a one year old and a 4 year old (<- driver personality), plus I run a business/blog. I also never drew the connection that because of my sensitivities, that I actually need self-care more than other non-HSP's. Thank you for the great resources, reminder and encouragement. 💖 I am in the middle of reading your book, Overwhelmed, and when I got to the HSP part (already knew I was HSP, but struggle with it!)…I knew I had to get on your site!
Thanks for giving permission to schedule a “time out!”
Sometimes a puzzle can help me zone out when life feels overwhelming.
Good tips!
My favorite forms of self care include: #1 Getting OUT of the house!!! Every week, on Tuesdays, I get a Mom’s night out where I go out by myself and do what I want to do. Usually, that is to sit at Panera, drink coffee and write. (This is my #1 because I have 4 kids and 2 of them have autism/adhd/anxiety. An oxygen mask style break is required!) #2 Read a good fiction book–this is usually at night to help me unwind and stop thinking about whatever may have happened during the day. (I usually only make it through 2 pages before I conk!). #3 Take a bubble bath and keep the water running to drown out all the chaos on the other side of the door! Along with this, is prayer. When my twins were born my OB said to take a bath twice a day to help my c-section heal. I turned those baths into prayer-tubs (lol) and started pouring my heart out to God with the water from the faucet. Last but not least is #4 Sit in the “brown chair” and don’t move. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis which causes chronic underlying pain/ache in my joints and muscles all the time that just drains me as the day goes on. Resting in a comfortable chair with a heating pad or ice packs is one of the nicest things I can do for my joints!
I’ve learned to light a candle when I’m having trouble being present or about to panic on some percieved worry. The little flame and nice smell help interrupt my obsessive thoughts and remind me to stay strong. Thanks for asking. Tood years to learn that trick. Hope it helps someone.