On Tuesday, we explored “The ‘Fun’ of Focusing on Others’ Failures” and yesterday we discussed “Why We Focus on Others’ Failures.”
I’ve saved this particular Facebook comment for today because it hit so close to home for me:
“There aren’t many times when someone says, ‘Just kidding’ that it doesn’t hurt. It may bring up a flaw in the other person or maybe a situation that they would rather not bring up.
If there is a line between [teasing and bullying] it is very fine, and most people cross it. Some cross it on purpose for their own sad satisfaction and others because they just are not thinking.”
Reading this forced me to face one final hard-to-admit reason I love bearing witness to others’ foibles:
payback.
This reason is reserved for people who have dared correct or criticize me.
I wait–often in eager anticipation–for my turn to return the favor.
My husband is the most frequent victim caught in my crosshairs.
- He comments that he’s embarrassed by how dirty my car looks? I quickly find a way to work his most recent speeding ticket into the conversation!
- He argues with me about the “correct” way to pronounce a word? I pull out the helpful list I made of all the punctuation errors in his PowerPoint slides at church last weekend!
- He criticizes sensitivity? I counter with the flaws of rationality!
Playing the Payback Game
Back and forth we go.
It’s a never-ending game.
No one wins.
Daniel’s motives are far more neutral than mine. He’s an Analytical/Amiable personality, so it’s natural for him to critique.
I, on the other hand, am Expressive/Driving. My reaction to criticism (actual or interpreted) is retaliation out of piqued pride.
The Children Join the Game
Our children picked up the payback pattern at a tender age.
When we first saw The Incredibles and started quoting our favorite lines (yes, we’re the Gregory Geeks!) Daniel got tongue-tied and said, “Would you like some more mee-moo-sa?” instead of “Would you like some more mimosa?”
Oh, how the kids howled with laughter, first when he flushed red and then as he continued to pronounce it incorrectly, no matter how many times or how hard he tried to get it right.
To this day, asking, “Would you like some more mee-moo-sa?” is one of their favorite ways to needle him after he’s said something they perceive as critical.
The Goal of Payback
When I watch my children do this, I see in all of us an unspoken goal:
connection.
When someone close to me criticizes me, I want them to admit to us that they, too, have weaknesses. That even though they pointed out my imperfections, they recognize that they haven’t arrived yet, either.
What I’m seeking is empathy.
Understanding.
Vulnerability.
Brene Brown says that the two most powerful words when we’re in a struggle are “me too.”
When others don’t show me their own failures voluntarily, it’s so tempting to force their hand.
To shove their failures in their faces as if to say, “See? I’m not alone, here!”
The Problem With Payback
But that doesn’t create connection between us.
Never once has Daniel responded, “You know, Sweetheart, you’re so right! Now that you mention it, me being embarrassed by your car is absurd. What I should really be feeling embarrassed about is getting that speeding ticket that cost us…”
And he never will!
Instead of creating connection, pursing payback causes something ugly within me:
contempt.
Which is the exact opposite of connection.
Which makes me very very alone, here.
Which is where I always end up when I follow my own self-ish instincts rather than God’s plan.
How Does Family Treat Family?
Philippians 2:3-4 lays out an action plan that can help us mean not to cross the line from having fun to becoming a bully and help us say “no” to playing the payback game:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests
but each of you to the interests of the others.”
These general principles are applied specifically in this wise advice from one of my Facebook friends:
“Harmless teasing and just playing around is when you can laugh at yourself. It becomes bulling and harassment when you do it to others. Plain and simple.”
Your Turn!
- In what relationship(s) do you find yourself tempted to play “the payback game”? What healthier way(s) could you seek connection instead?
- Purpose to say “no!” to the payback game this week! (Click to Tweet this.)
Read The Rest of the Series
WOW! I NEED this book! It sure seems to hit me up and down my spine! 🙂
In my marriage for sure .When he does, or doesn’t do, something I don’t like I feel like I have to ‘pay him back’ by not doing something for him as well. I need to turn my hurts over to Jesus, receive a clean heart, and offer that back to my husband.
Hate it when someone’s peeking inside my head/heart/home. “Yes, Lord; Your servant is listening.”
Payback – no one likes it, but everyone seems to do it. The paybacks that bother me the most are the ones, that effect my kids! You teach your kids to turn the other cheek, like the bibles tells us. You can only turn the other cheek so many times, before you have to teach your kids to take up for themselves. It’s sad, that others don’t teach their kids to live christ like.
Our kids truly are a reflection of ourselves. I hate how we see the worst in ourselves come out in our kids. My kids, especially the boys, are always hitting because they were hit or calling names cause they were called. This post made me realize how I do the same thing. Yikes! Thanks for the post.
It seems the teasing and payback always gets out of hand with my brothers. Although we are all adults now we sure don’t act like it sometimes! My response has always been avoidance just because I don’t know how to break the pattern.
I hate to admit it, but I do this most in my marriage…we have a long-established pattern of one-upmanship (in the worst way!). Thanks for the reminder that this is damaging…sometimes habits seem insignificant when they’ve been around so long!
Have a blessed day 🙂
No one wants to be in a payback game but more often than not, we forgot that we’re already doing it especially to those very close to us. All I can say is, be open with criticisms and those who criticize should be mindful that it’s not hurtful and say it a nice way. 🙂