Why We Focus on Others’ Failures
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“Soul control is learning to idle our brains before we engage our mouths,
thereby saving ourselves a boatload of heartache, wounded relationships, and regret.”
LET. IT. GO. by Karen Ehman
I remember the first time I teased someone to the point of tears.
We were in 6th grade, and I was oblivious.
Not until my little friend had locked herself crying in the girls’ bathroom did I realize something was wrong.
So I reassured her, “It’s okay! I was just teasing.”
But that didn’t un-do the damage I’d done.
“Fun” vs. Bullying
Yesterday, I posed this question on Facebook…
What’s the difference between harmless teasing / just playing around & actual bullying / harassment?
…and got some great responses:
- “Many times it’s the response of the other person. My brother often thought he was just teasing me; but it was hurtful and demeaning. I don’t like any teasing/playing around to be honest. It’s just not in the spirit of Jesus or the golden rule.”
- “ Intentions. Harmless teasing is done in friendship and love. It’s not intended to wound or hurt. When it does wound or hurt, it’s no longer harmless teasing.”
- “When the person being “teased” isn’t laughing.”
- “The relationship between the two people. Is it easy-going? friendship? professional? stranger?”
- “It all depends on how the person being teased perceives the ‘teasing.’ If they are offended, even if that wasn’t the intent, then it’s probably crossing the line.”
- “Hard to know when the line has been crossed if the teased doesn’t admit the hurt. Just kidding or…not…ha ha ha! Problem with writing is you can’t see expressions and intonation.”
- “I think the difference for the one doing the teasing is whether or not their intent is malicious. But ‘all in good fun’ isn’t always fun for the one being teased…and doesn’t take much to cross into bullying.”
- “I always told my kids, when they said, ‘But I was just teasing!’ that if the other person doesn’t laugh, it’s not funny. There’s a lot more to it than that, I know. But it was a starting place…”
- “Proverbs 26:17-19: Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’”
- “Empathy, I think.”
Why I Thrill When You Take a Spill
Why are we so Johnny-on-the-spot to react when someone else fails and we’re there to witness it?
The simplest reason feels so innocent:
relief.
I’m relieved that it wasn’t me. I didn’t trip. I wasn’t wrong. I didn’t slaughter a word we’ve all known since 4th grade.
So my laughter isn’t actually targeted toward anyone else. It’s just an expression of “whew!”
The deeper reason is far more dangerous:
power.
I can walk across a room without tripping. I can give the correct answer. I can pronounce that word.
My laughter still isn’t targeted at anyone. It’s an affirmation of “Yes! I am capable. I am powerful!”
But when I focus on my relief and my power, I forget other people.
I’m so busy enjoying how good it feels to be “better” than the mistake-maker, I neglect a vital skill that makes me human:
empathy.
When I teased my little friend to tears in 6th grade, I knew the intention of my “fun” was harmless.
But I could not control her reception of my “fun.”
She received it as bullying.
I even assured her, “I didn’t mean to!”
But my late-in-the-game switch from power to empathy did not suddenly switch her feelings.
“I Didn’t Mean To!” vs. I Mean Not To
When I was little and said, “I didn’t mean to!” as an excuse, my father always replied, “But you didn’t mean not to.”
That’s dumb, I used to think. How am I supposed to “mean not to“?
But my 6th grade teased-her-to-tears incident was serious shock therapy. I realized that I must intentionally mean not to bully, mean not to harass, mean not to tease inappropriately.
If I don’t mean not to, I may well end up being mean (without ever…er…meaning to!)
Your Turn!
- What’s an area of your life in which you feel convicted to mean not to so you don’t end up being mean (without meaning to)?
- Make it a habit to “mean not to” instead of “not mean to”. (Click to Tweet this.)
I love this post! Thank you so much for your perspective!
Spot on! This “take a closer look” perspective is so needed. It seems that meaning not to is a necessary thought process that we must teach the children in our lives so that this cycle doesn’t persist. And for us adults, acknowledging that the sense of power that comes from feeling that WE CAN in our strength is something many crave is a great starting point too. What wise thoughts here. I so enjoyed this post today!
Karen Ehman’s book is wonderful and I just am finishing the study. WOW! Great words to live by and look what impace that teasing also had on you until this day. We never know what we are leaving behind with our words and teasing because to some sensitive people it isn’t teasing. Thanks for sharing. Debbie W. (OBS Leader)
Do you ever feel like someone has bugged your house. Convicted over & over.
In a very good way.
Thank you for this topic,
Bette
Thank you for this post. It’s easy to justify hurtful comments under the sly diguise of teasing. It’s never right, and I am guilty of this and it’s an area to work on. Great post!
Great post. While not perfect, I really work hard in my christian walk to encourage and build others up with my words. Coming from a background of verbal abuse, I am overly sensitive of how words can hurt people. One area that I absolutely consistently work on is not getting involved in gossip. This is so very destructive in more ways than one, especially to one’s self-esteem. While “gossip” wasn’t the label used in our home, having five gal sibs, one talking about another, ganging up on one or the other with mean words was hurtful and unforgetful. I’ve seen this in the work place as well. If I hear it in a christian setting or unchristian setting for that matter, I either walk away or if that is not possible, I either say something positive or turn the conversation away from the negative or ask is this God-honoring. While there are times that an issue needs to be faced constructively with a person, gossip or spreading negativity about an individual is never acceptable in God’s eyes.
Sweet Blessings.
Cheri, that’s a great take from Karen’s book! We can’t control a lot, but we can control our thoughts, our words, and how we treat people. If we can manage this “soul control” we can make sure we are giving God “sole control!”
Beth A. (OBS Group Leader)
Beth — It really struck me because I initially balked at the idea of “idling” my brain. I like having a brain that goes a million miles an hour! But therein lies the problem: it runs ahead of me…and, thus, my ability to surrender each moment to God.
I have this great way with words. I’ve always been able to use them to bless others and share wisdom and turn them into something beautiful. But I can also use them to tear people down. Not just teasing, but ripping people apart. I got that lovely trait from my father, who was incredibly verbally abusive. The man didn’t need to raise a fist because he could leave you broken and bleeding with just his words. I have to work hard not to use words to hurt others because I grew up surrounded by that. I want my words to be uplifting, edifying, helpful, encouraging, and filled with love. I keep fighting to change the pattern because of my little girl. I want to be a good example for her and I want the mean talk to end with me. It’s not easy but it is so worth it! <3 Thanks for posting this!
Bless your heart for choosing to change the cycle for your own daughter. That’s hard work, heart work. Words can cause so much pain but leave no bruises or blood, so the victim typically receives no sympathy and no support. (Comments like, “Just let it go!” or “Just ignore it!” don’t count as support in my book!) I love your focus on words that are “uplifting, edifying, helpful, encouraging, and filled with love”!
wow – this hits home in many ways. as someone who loves to laugh and does ALL the time, it can sometimes run people over and that includes my own loved ones. God is most surely wants us to focus on others in as much as we focus on ourselves – and at what expense? Taking the time to turn in out in love will bring forth a lot more blessing. I had posted on my FB status two days ago: “So what would the world look like if we all looked at people through ‘how can I understand and love you’ glasses instead of ‘ok what’s wrong with them’ glasses? A LOT better I’d say.” Talk about God reinforcing and the Holy Spirit moving!
Kimberly — I love your FB status! “How can I understand and love you”!!! I am so the same way with my mouth…I love words and I love to laugh and quick wit is a game for me. I try to keep everything in the self-deprecation arena, where I’m having fun at my own expense. But even then, it’s so easy (and tempting!) to cross the line!
It is easy to see when hubby & children fall short – yet when a mama teases, the children take it to heart. We (I) must learn to be SLOW to SPEAK.
Kimery — SO true…I have to be so careful with my daughter, even now that she’s an “adult” (22) she can still take my good-natured ribbing in the completely wrong way. (And even as I re-read what I just typed, I’m noticing who gets the blame, as if it’s her fault for not recognizing my intention.)
Why I thrill when you take a spill: what really jumped out at me was the POWER! I can read without making a mistake, I can walk without tripping, I, I, I, I! It’s all pride and power! For me I was so bullied as a kid because of my skin color, lack of 2 parents, I was different than everyone else. So kids tried to bully me. I learned to stand up for myself, I learned to hide behind not working hard at not making mistakes, or not tripping,,,,so others would see that I am worthy! There was power there for me because I was as good as everyone else, and my actions showed it (or so I thought.) I try really hard to be sensitive to others because of what I went through, but I do find myself, “bullying”. I am so thankful that you brought this up, I need to pray about this more.
Ingrid — thank you for sharing your perspective. I need to pray more about this, myself, because this wasn’t really on my mind until I got to thinking about my students’ habit of “jumping all over” each other…which made me realize that they learned it from somewhere! It does all boil down to pride and a sense of worthiness…whenever our self-worth is determined by other people, pride is the only possible result. Empathy and humility come from knowing we are loved by our Creator…trips, mistakes, and mispronunciations and all!
I really think it’s with my husband & kids. I can be so nice and understanding with everybody else, but the ones I am supposed to nurture and support end up getting my impatience and selfish expectations. This was a really convicting post!
Debbie — Oh, do I understand! And tomorrow’s blog post will be about my hardest struggle: my glee when my husband fails. I have lots of reasons that sound good…except they all boil down to self. Convicted right along with you, friend!
Excellent write up. Great point about us focussing on ourselves (Glad that wasn’t me that tripped or mispronounced that word). Definitely need to think of others feelings first. I hope that I can be more conscience of being “mean not to” others in what I say or how I react to situations at home and with friends. Thank you.
Thank you, Holly Jean! I think you’re right — the first step is being more attentive and thinking about how others will feel. (Where the line is between this and being a codependent people-pleaser, I’m not sure, but I trust the Holy Spirit will guide!)
As someone who was “teased” a good bit in school, at least until I got to high school, I think it’s all hurtful, no matter what you call it.
Ashley — I think you’re right. I saved an especially wise Facebook comment for tomorrow’s blog post that makes thsi same point. Reception is what counts, and so often it’s received with pain.