I stumbled upon an unexpected definition of a familiar word recently.
All my life, I’d been so sure that I knew exactly what it meant. But as it turned out, I’ve been partly wrong all along.
Likewise, many people believe they know exactly what being a Highly Sensitive Person is all about. Turns out, they too may be at least somewhat wrong.
It’s up to us to intentionally and actively debunk myths about sensitivity. As we do, we help ourselves and others to:
1. Reveal the truth — the whole truth — about what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person.
Is there some truth to each myth about sensitivity? Of course! But not the whole truth. And the problem with having a partial truth is that it easily becomes a stereotype … and even a prejudice.
We all need to be working with the whole truth—complex and messy though it may be!
2. Review potential decisions with the lens of truth about sensitivity.
When we believe a myth, then our choices are grounded in error. We act inappropriately. Or we get stuck in inaction and fail to act at all.
Knowing the whole truth about what it means to be an HSP facilitates wiser, more intentional actions. Better beliefs lead to better behaviors.
3. Recognize socially-acceptable bullying of HSPs.
Under-the-radar bullying because of our sensitivity is a common—but largely unspoken—experience for us. Review our list of 57 myths, recalling the tone of voice used when they are spoken to you.
Is the purpose…
- …to dismiss you?
- …to shut you down?
- …to declare you “less than”?
- …to make you feel unworthy?
We need to stop accepting subtle bullying as normal and call it what it is: hurtful. It hurts us to be bullied, and it hurts others to behave as bullies.
Often they do so without meaning to. But unintentional bullying is still bullying.
And when no one speaks up, nothing changes.
Believe, Behave, and Change
That unexpected definition I ran across? It was for the word bullying.
When I read this on a Facebook meme, the third bullet point hit me in the gut.
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When someone unintentionally says something or does something hurtful, and they just do it once, that’s RUDE;
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When someone intentionally says something or does something hurtful, and they just do it once, that’s MEAN;
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When someone intentionally says something or does something hurtful, and they keep on doing it—even if they see you’re upset or you’ve asked them to stop—that’s BULLYING. (source)
I’d always wrongly assumed bullying was limited to loud, obvious, physical actions like yelling and hitting.
So I’ve told myself Just don’t make any waves and pretended that the bullying I’ve experienced didn’t bother me. You’ve likely done the same, in your own way.
Will you join me in identifying myths about sensitivity and working together to debunk them? Because when we do, we help ourselves — and those around us — to believe bigger and behave better.
Together, we will be catalysts for change!
Let’s create a collaborative definition of bullying:
Feel free to respond in the comments here on the blog, over on our Facebook page, or email me directly at cheri@cherigregory.com.
- How do you define bullying?
- What are some obvious forms of bullying you’ve experienced as an HSP?
- What are some subtle forms of bullying you’ve experienced as an HSP?
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I don’t know if these are subtle or obvious, but I didn’t recognize them for being bullying behaviors until just recently – and I’m 48 years old! My parents and sisters have often (more so when I was younger) brushed my sadness and hurt aside by telling me to “get over it” or that I was “too sensitive”. That’s how I described myself for over 30 years “too sensitive”. It makes me so angry now to know that they made me feel “less than” because I was made differently than they would like me to be. And on top of that, if they know I’m “too sensitive” why would it be okay for them to make me feel bad by picking at my sensitivity?! Ugh…
I’ve never thought of their behavior as bullying, but it is as plain as day to me now. As for a definition I would say bullying is using words and/or actions to minimize a persons value as a human being, intentionally or not.
Cheri, thank you so much for this post! I had a horrible experience many years ago with a close friend who suddenly decided she didn’t like how I responded to other people and made it her mission in life to tell me. Even showing up at my home one time to “show me my sin”. Even though I tried to be a peacemaker and resolve the issue, the friendship blew up. Your definition of bullying really hit home with me and I realized that this person was indeed bullying me because she didn’t like how I responded to someone else. The sad part is that she did it in the name of Jesus. I am just learning about HSP and realizing how it has affected my life. Thank you for sharing from your heart!
“We need to stop accepting subtle bullying as normal and call it what it is: hurtful. It hurts us to be bullied, and it hurts others to behave as bullies.
Often they do so without meaning to. But unintentional bullying is still bullying.”
This was spot on for me, thank you!
I’m used to comments like “Don’t be silly, I was just kidding”, “You’re so sensitive, can’t you take a joke” and such. I Always try to brush it off but it is hurtful and I have questioned myself many times because of comments like these.
Bullying yes!!! It’s done in such subtle ways that it took me years to figure it out. Bullying doesn’t have to be loud to be successful. Unfortunately it happens with those closest to you. It can be as simple as those undermining mind games. It mentally challenges and exaggerates your HSP making you think you really have a problem when you really don’t. That’s what a bully does. Bottom line they can’t deal with their own shame so they find a HSPer to help them get whatever feeds them to feel better. Isn’t that what a bully is or does ? I think so!!!
Being from the South, my Southern accent can be a target. I tire and move to being hurt and then I fight back when the cute remarks about “Southerners” continue. I think my accent helps make me who I am. I am proud to be called a Southern girl. But I do tire of it all.
Misunderstood as a HSP? Yes. Bullied? Not personally, but I have realized lately that I have probably been trying to manage or hide my HSP, possibly even from childhood. In order to keep from getting hurt, or manage the potential to be hurt or show how hurt I might be, I’ve internalized a lot of my thought processes and emotions. Throw in some natural introversion and there have been times where I have imploded or exploded because the internal pressure was too great!
Name calling…….Being told by various people, some random and some my closest relationships, from the time I was a child… until just last week.. ” you are weird”…..
Because I feel so deeply, cry easily, notice the atmosphere in a gathering, am distracted by others subtle reactions , need time to process change, look at things from everyone’s point of view, am sometimes just drained, exhausted, weary after large gatherings because of the intensity of emotion spent on so many hurting people, on and on but basically because I am different than they are. I have spent a huge portion of my life trying to hide what I am thinking or feeling because it is “so weird. “
How do you define bullying?
Controller, Self approval junkie in a negative form, Someone who has been extremely hurt in the
past, wicked, vengeful, judge-mental, low self-esteem, attacker, aggressive (James 4:1-12)
What are some obvious forms of bullying you’ve experienced as an HSP?
Prejudice, manipulating, jealousy, harassment
What are some subtle forms of bullying you’ve experienced as an HSP?
Prejudice, manipulating, jealousy
I agree with everyone who has commented. I’ve either experienced or witnessed what you’ve described. The most challenging aspect of bullying for me is that, having been bullied by family through childhood, I accepted it. This lead to my reenacting the same bullying behavior towards my loved ones. I hated my thoughts and words, and the more I tried to control them the worse I seemed to get. Yet, Jesus is faithful beyond measure. The Lord has been doing some major escavation in my soul. I am closer to being me not who I was taught to be, not drawing from my pain or my past, but from Christ alone. I am grateful for this website, all of you who comment. You have been part of my recovery. I hope my post helps someone, too. We can be better and we are making the world a better place starting with self-awareness, self-respect, and self-love, extending to our families, and so on. You have permission to be kind to you! God bless you!