The Kind of Person I Want to Be When People Are Unkind
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Joyce settles in to a chair next to me.
I am thrilled to see her…but also apprehensive.
It’s been a month since The Incident.
And I don’t know what she’s going to say.
Vision
Joyce supervised my internship (which I did in lieu of student teaching) my first year as a teacher.
She was in my classroom the day I introduced my husband, Daniel, to my students as their guest lecturer for Bible class. “After all,” I quipped, “he knows more about sin than anyone else I know!”
At the end of his lesson—which included intricately-designed overhead transparencies of a “sin cycle” and “heal wheel”—Joyce asked Daniel point blank, “Why are you pastoring? We need you in the classroom!”
She saw something special in him that that nobody else had seen, not even me.
Joyce is that kind of person.
Respect
I think back to the all-day teachers’ inservice Joyce chaired. Before our mid-morning break, she told us, “We’ll resume at 10:00 AM. If you’re back five minutes early, I’ll be sharing with you something that’s not essential. But it’s awfully nice to know.”
At 9:55 AM, the auditorium was packed. And sure enough, Joyce delivered. She shared a three minute story followed by a two-minute tip that I use to this day.
What I remember most, though, is the respect she gave us. She didn’t say, “Be sure to be back at 10:00 AM! If you’re late, we’ll have to go into lunch, and you don’t want that!” She didn’t stand at the microphone nagging, “We need to start. It’s already 10:05, and we were supposed to start five minutes ago!”
She didn’t need to. She made sure she didn’t need to.
Joyce is that kind of person.
The Incident
But today, I wonder what Joyce will say to me.
It’s been several weeks since The Incident. The school board meeting…
- …for which I’d spent hours preparing a special presentation.
- …at which two parents took to the podium and accused Daniel and me of being self-centered, uncaring, incompetent, and a slew of other adjectives I spend most mornings from 1:00 AM – 4:00 AM trying to forget.
- …where I had to stand up, after being so thoroughly blindsided by personal attacks, and stumble through my notes and slides.
- …after which I cried all night, terrified to face my students in the morning, knowing that this is what their parents think of me.
Perhaps, like one of my other superintendents, Joyce will tell me to grow thicker skin. “Just shake it off. Pay them no heed.”
Or, like another, she could rhapsodize at length about what a blessed opportunity this is for me to “become more like Jesus.” To “forgive them, for they knew not what they did.”
She might ask the question that’s been surprisingly popular: “Have you prayerfully pondered what you did to provoke them? Have you humbly asked God to show you in what ways they were right so that you can change?”
Or, like most of the school board members, maybe she won’t even mention it. It is, after all, so much easier to pretend it never happened.
Compassion
“Cheri…”
I tense, turn toward Joyce, and brace myself.
But nothing could possibly have prepared me for her words:
“…I came here today to tell you that I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry people said such hurtful things about you and to you. I am sorry. So very sorry. I am truly, truly sorry.”
She’s apologizing to me for a wrong she did not commit.
She’s acknowledging pain she did not cause.
She’s hurting because I am hurting.
She’s come four hours out of her way just to say two words I didn’t know until now how desperate I’ve been to hear:
“I’m sorry.”
Because Joyce is that kind of person.
Wow, the compassion of Joyce is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi Cheri we are on the Camino de Santiago. Our goal was a 100 kms over 6-7 days.
I’m HSP and was struggling with thoughts of inadequacy and being awkward and clumsy.
Day 5 was particularly difficult I realized I needed to get away.
So I walked on and finished the required distance and met up with my husband. Am also on medication for migraines, generalised anxiety disorder and mild depression.
Am with him now and resting. Still praycessing this episode.
Much as I love my family and am close to them, am also a hermit..
Still have a few days of vacation left and I’ll appreciate your prayers for my spirit and soul to be revived through Him.
I’m so sorry that you experienced that! How awful it must have been! If only we could all be like Joyce 🙂
Wow! Joyce definitely sounds like a compassionate and grace-filled individual. The stories that you share of her remind me of my own “Joyce’s” in my life–those that whole-heartedly serve and love and share and care. I want to be someone that does more than just say “I’ll pray for you.” I want to be the kind of person that does more than give a few words. I want to show love through action and truly be present and available to people when they are hurting. Because when I am hurting, that is exactly what I need to. Thank you Cheri for sharing.
I was once attacked by a family–the mom, mostly, in front of my boss, the casemanager, and I’m sure there were at least 10 other people there pointing their finger at me too (not really, just seemed that way). VERY similar accusations as you received. It was the worst day of my life. I got up, left the meeting and hid in the bathroom, crying until the meeting was over. I asked to be removed from the case (Ironically, I was the in-home supports coordinator–their son had autism) and when the director told this mom they were taking me off the case the mom said, “No! We want her to stay!”. Unbelievable. I still said no. I could not put myself back in that situation after all the other things in my past that I had already come out of. My boss took me out to lunch to help me calm down and she said a lot of nice things–I can’t remember what because I was in such bad shape (I was only around 24 years old!). I wish I was able to hear what she had to say. I know it was in the “I’m sorry” kind of mode, too. I hope that now I am / can be a better receiver and giver of “I’m sorry”!
wow. when i read that bit about the parent saying negative things about you and daniel i just couldn’t believe it. then i had this moment of memories of similar things that have happened to me and how i cried and couldn’t sleep wondering what i did wrong. the thing that really helped me with that is knowing (thanks to a friend) that it wasn’t me, it was the other person. pain, fear that drives them. responding with love actually works! you are a loving, caring, god-fearing woman, and you can take on anything. you always amaze me. i would love to meet this joyce, love her already. i’m a very sensitive type and when my friends hurt, i cry more than they do. i take phone calls at 3 a.m. even. drives my husband crazy. you’ll never find me at the pulpit, but i’m available on the phone as a shoulder to cry on. with my kleenex.
Cheri, sharing your humility is such a gift to your readers. Thanks for being vulnerable so many can learn from your story. The special gift of Joyce’s ( Perfectly named as Joy – Jesus Others You) modeling to us is exactly what the world needs. She didn’t demean, ridicule, or blame. She stood tall when most ducked. What a blessing to have the words spoken in such a timely manner. True example of Grace! I know you are a gifted teacher as with each post I grow to become a better person. Awareness is key, however, you took it one step further and gave us the tools to BE BETTER, not Bitter! Thank you KIND FRIEND:)
It is amazing how powerful those two words can be…”I’m sorry”. I know I don’t use those words often enough.