Reflections on Regret and Grace
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And I’ll warn you ahead of time, it’s probably not going to come out all polished and I’m just going to hope it makes sense because it is that new to me. It is something that comes from a manuscript chapter that a friend of mine — she’s writing her very first book! – shared with me. And it made such an impression, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, especially in terms of Highly Sensitive Persons.
One of the things we talk about a lot with HSPs is that we are highly reflective, we have this gift of being able to reflect deeply on things. And it’s a double edged sword, right, like on the one hand, we can reflect deeply. On the other hand, if we’re not careful, we get stuck in rumination. And I completely identify with that.
It’s something that even now, like, even at this stage of my life, I still find myself struggling with. Not as much, but I’ll get victory in one area, gain victory in one area, and then it’ll crop up in another area. So like I said, I had the privilege of reading a manuscript chapter for a book that’s being written by a friend who is a Highly Sensitive Person. And so here’s this amazing new insight that I want to share with you:
She shared some research on the difference between regret and recrimination.
regret
Now, I have long been aware that one of the things I really really struggle with is regret. I look back at the past and I am not the kind of person who says “Oh, I have no regrets. I live my life so I have no regrets.” I have so many regrets, it’s not even funny. Like “If only I had known,” or “If I tried harder…” or you name it, I have regrets. For myself and for choices other people made. And so of course to see this regret versus recrimination and the scientific journal article she quoted said that the researchers find that recrimination is actually worse than regret.
recrimination
And I’m like “What? There’s something worse than regret?” Okay, and so recrimination is – this is my definition okay, this is my understanding of what I read – is getting stuck wishing that others had known what you know now, so they could have done things differently in the past so that you would have a different outcome right now. So that’s not just regret, but that’s actual recrimination. Getting stuck, wishing others had known what you know now, so they could have done things differently in the past and you would have a different outcome now.
And you know, I find myself going through that when I look back – I wish my mom had known that I was a Highly Sensitive Person. I wish certain teachers had known that I was a Highly Sensitive Person. I wish certain friends had known and understood. You know, I wish we had known all of this so much earlier in our marriage, we’ve been married almost 31 years and my goodness, it explains so much. And so I get very stuck in the wishing, the desperate desire to take what I know now, and infuse it into the past so we can change the past and bring things up to date the way they should be.
self-recrimination
Then there’s – and this is again, my interpretation, this is me processing in front of you what I’m learning, okay, this is not something that’s polished — there’s regret and self-recrimination. Okay, so what I told you about just a moment ago was recrimination. This is regret versus self-recrimination. And the way I am understanding this is getting stuck wishing you had known way back then what you’ve only recently known, only recently learned, so you could have done things differently in the past, so you and others would have a different outcome now.
Regret versus self-recrimination, is getting stuck wishing you had known way back then what you’ve only recently learned. So you could have done things differently in the past and you and others would have a different outcome now. Oh my goodness. I deal with that in my parenting. And I deal with that in my marriage as well, wishing that I again, I could take this information back into the past.
the root word
And one of the things that I realized as I look at this word recrimination, or self-recrimination, either way; if you break apart that word recrimination, what’s the root word? The root word is criminal. It’s literally like we are going through and we are re-criminalizing the other people, or we are re-criminalizing ourselves. And I was talking to my husband about this as we were taking a walk and he says, it’s kind of like, you’ve been let out of jail, but you keep putting yourself back in, or other people have gone free, you know, they receive grace, and then I keep putting them back in in jail. I was like, whoa.
So here’s the quote from the article. “Given the operation of hindsight, recrimination may be particularly intense because, after the fact, people will almost always be able to find clues that they believe should have been evident beforehand about which decision would provide the best outcome.”
And basically, what this is saying is once we know something, suddenly all the evidence for it becomes super duper obvious, and then we forget that it wasn’t obvious back then, you know, like, I look back at my childhood in my teen years, my 20s. And it is so incredibly obvious that I was a Highly Sensitive Person. It is so easy for me to think “Well, why did nobody else figure this out? Why did I have to figure this out when I was 45?”
And I also do the same thing with my kids. I look back and I’m like, “Oh, my goodness, it was so obvious Jonathan was an HSP and had this constellation. So obvious Annemarie was an HSP and had this constellation. Why didn’t I see it when they were babies? Why didn’t they see it when they were toddlers? Why didn’t they see it when they were preschoolers, in elementary, in junior high, in high school, and going off to college.”
counter-factual thinking
And the fact is that the belief that we should have known is called counter-factual thinking. And it really boils down to: we do the best we can, with the information we have at the time. And that it is part of accepting grace and extending grace to others. And that gets us out of this habit of ruminating and getting caught in this recrimination or self-recrimination. Like I think it’s okay, actually, to look back at something and feel regret. To recognize “That was sad” or “That was a missed opportunity” or “That was hurtful.”
But for me at least, I get caught in the rumination.
And getting at that specific name of recrimination or self-recrimination is … I’m already finding it very helpful to pray-cess it in those terms and then to ask as I’m pray-cessing, “Hey, Lord, am I doing this? Am I putting myself back in jail? Am I putting somebody else in jail that You’ve already set free?”
So those who are believers in Christ Jesus can no longer be condemned.
The standards of the Spirit, who gives life through Christ Jesus, have set you free from the standards of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2 (God’s Word Translation)
Your Turn:
A. What aspect(s) of this video/transcript resonate with you most?
B. What questions arise for you?
Action Steps:
A. Invite the Holy Spirit to convict you when you engage in recrimination, self-recrimination, and/or counter-factual thinking.
B. As you are convicted:
-
- pause
- pray-cess
- receive God’s grace for yourself
- extend God’s grace to others.
Research cited: “The Role of Affect in Decision Making,” George Loewenstein and Jennifer S. Lerner, Handbook of Affected Sciences, R. J. Davidson, K. R. Scherer, and H. H. Goldsmith, Oxford University Press, 2003, https://www.cmu.edu/dietrich/sds/docs/loewenstein/RoleofEffectEmotion.pdf
I resonate with the thought of “future” regrets I am trying to avoid all the time. Being in this group, and knowing that HSP is a huge make up of who I am has turned my attention to one of my sons… the way he is responsive to my emotions and reacts to people fighting just like I used to do a lot. Instead of thinking he was people pleasing or acting dysfunctional (co-dependent I was labeled), I choose to reassure him that I will never be mad at him or mistreat him just because I am in a bad mood. I thank him for caring about me and knowing me enough to see that something is bothering me, and I praise God for this opportunity. I also try to be a different kind of listener for him like I would have wanted when I was a teenager.
I will also ask God to bridge the gaps that might have been made and let his will be done knowing that I was innocent at the time in my emotions and lack of speaking up.
Questions arise…this ones hypothetical processing …why wasn’t the way I was as a teenager ( I am 41 now), enough for my parents like it was when I was a little girl? As a little girl I was all sunshine and God and rainbows, but as a teenager I was too sensitive, ny feelings cast aside for wearing my heart on my sleeve, told to get over it and that I was too sensitive. It hurts deeply. I pray that I could accept my 4 children for however they are, however they process, however they need to breath life, the beauty of how God made them.
I have been heavily into self recrimination and some recrimination of others over the years, I now realize. And with my perfectionist tendencies, I have also turned those things into the question of “what have I learned now that will help me to do things differently next time?” I’m thinking that is perhaps something the Lord using to help keep me from being forever stuck. Something arose the other day that could have resulted in me applying another tally mark of “failure ” on myself. BUT I realized His grace for me in allowing me to recognize my own tendency to learn best from doing it wrong the first time. And knowing THAT’S OK. He loves me and will help me gain the experiences I need to truly KNOW His love and grace. THAT’S what is important for me to help others to see. Not my perfect response to every situation.
Good insights and processing outloud, Cheri! I’d be a rich woman if I had a dollar for every “R” (regret, recrimination, and rumination) that landed in my mind. My psychiatrist told me years ago to see a “stop sign” whenever I started ruminating. It worked for me.
I’ve released a lot of regret and catch myself now before going down a long lane. Praying helps. Telling God brings hope and grace into the picture. Taking a deep breath and staying in the moment assist me in not making things bigger or looking back with sigh.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Oh my word. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I resonate with this. I’ll be ruminating on this for awhile. Thank you, Cheri.
Somewhere along the line, I recognized the damage recriminations were causing me. I used to go back in my mind and think what could I have done to keep my mother, father, sister, fractured family from splitting completely. God has shown me that it was not on me to do this. Disfunctional adults, in that family of origin, put a lot of strain and way too much emotional responsibility on me. I was not even an adult! I don’t do this anymore in any of my relationships. I am free. Thanks for the reminder to pray-cessing often!
Thank you for sharing your insight. I also am frequently reflecting on the past and wishing “I knew then what I know now”. It is challenging for me to let go of the past especially as my children are adults. I was a Mom who tried to fix feelings while giving my kids little opportunity to feel and work through their feelings.
Self-recrimination seems to occur mostly during sleepless moments. I like your husband’s comment that I am just putting myself back in jail.
Great topic for me to ponder.
Oh yes, the sleepless nights are like a bad dream that won’t quit…all those regrets that come flying to mind and won’t stop, keep me in agony sometimes in the middle of the night. I’m too tired to get up and read, and so I just keep praying to God until I am asleep again. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here.
Wow, I have worked through so much of what you describe, over many years, but I didn’t have the term self-recrimination applied to the process – it’s so true! And have I ever had to stop myself from ruminating! I still fall into that pit – not nearly so often – but because of my ministry, I relive a lot of experiences and have to be vigilant. The instant I recognize rumination I stop – and pray, and by God’s grace I move on and don’t give it another thought. It’s truly God’s grace.
So grateful for this post and your insights, Cheri. God bless you.