How to Say “Yes” to the Hardest Person to Say “Yes” To
“Growing Sensitive & Strong” is the life-changing program that moves you from “What’s wrong with me?” to comfortable and confident in who God made you as a Highly Sensitive Person.
To be the first to know when Early Bird Registration for our summer session begins, you can add yourself to the Waiting List right here.
“What final words of encouragement do you have for our listeners, who tend to be reforming perfectionists, recovering people-pleasers, and highly sensitive people?”
My co-host, Amy Carroll, asks this question at the end of every Grit ‘n’ Grace interview. And our guests always give the most amazing answers!
After a recent taping, I got to thinking:
What “final words” would I leave with an audience?
And I remembered this list of four short reminders I say to myself over and over again, as often as necessary.
They’re all important, but the fourth is the one I want to focus on today.
- It’s not your fault.
- You’re not alone.
- It’s not too late.
- Yes, you can.
One: It’s not your fault.
You didn’t ask to be a Highly Sensitive Person (or a perfectionist or a people-pleaser). You didn’t bring it upon yourself, nor are you making any of it up. It’s not your fault; it is your responsibility.
Two: You’re not alone
You’re in good company. 20-30% of Christian women are Highly Sensitive People. That means that when you’re in a group of 100, there are 19-29 other women you can introduce yourself to and say, “Welcome to the “normal minority.”
Three: It’s not too late
Many of us are finding out that we’re HSP (… how shall I say …) “later in life.” It slays me to read Emails from women in their 70s and 80s saying that they finally feel understood for the very first time. So many decades of feeling completely misunderstood is such a long time. I am profoundly moved by the women who tell me, with glistening eyes, “I finally feel free to just be me!” Their joy is both contagious and encouraging.
Four: Yes, you can.
A few years back, I wrote a blog post titled “How to Say ‘No’ to the Hardest Person to Say ‘No’ To.” It’s about the importance of recognizing the size of your plate and making intentional choices not to pile your plate too high. And that’s hard. ‘cause we HSPs are a curious lot who want to do All. The. Things. Even when we know we can’t. And it’s hard to say “no” to ourselves.
It’s just as hard to say “yes.”
Perhaps even harder, because we’ve spent our lives telling ourselves No, you can’t feel that … No, you can’t say that … No, you can’t do that.
So here’s what it sounds like to say “yes” to the hardest person to say “yes” to.
Feel free to borrow, adapt, and practice.
1 — Yes, you can cry.
Your tears are natural and normal. They are a powerful sign of how deeply you care. They remove toxins from your body. Yes, you can cry.
2 — Yes, you can rest.
You’ve done enough for now. Sit down. Lie down. Give your body a break. Yes, you can rest.
3 — Yes, you can leave.
You don’t have to stay where people who shame you, blame you, and bully you. You don’t have to stay until midnight. Yes, you can leave.
4 — Yes, you can ask questions.
Your don’t need to be embarrassed by your questions. They aren’t proof that you’re ignorant or dumb. They’re proof that you’re resourceful. Keep asking until you get the answers you need. Yes, you can ask.
5 — Yes, you can fail.
You are human, and humans make mistakes. You don’t need to hide your failures or blame them on others. Own them. Learn from them. Receive God’s grace through them. Yes, you can fail.
6 — Yes, you can try again.
You can start over. Picking yourself back up after failure and granting yourself a do-over is one of the bravest, grittiest things you’ll ever do. Yes, you can try again.
7 — Yes, you can ask for help.
You don’t have to go it alone. In fact, we weren’t created to go it alone. You can ask those around you for help and you can ask the Helper, the Holy Sprit for help.
8 — Yes, you can be satisfied.
You can feel good even when things haven’t turned out perfectly. In fact, you can feel good even when a lot of things are going bad. Life isn’t all-or-nothing; it’s a mix of highs and lows. Disappointments don’t have to completely derail you. Yes, you can be satisfied.
9 — Yes, you can smile.
HSP doesn’t have to be synonymous with serious. You may be overwhelmed by world events. You may be anxious about a strained relationship and worried about a friend going through a hard time. You may feel the emotions of every person in the room. And still: Yes, you can smile.
10 — Yes, you can run to Jesus.
Any time. As fast as you possibly can. No matter what you have or haven’t done. He is the One who will never ever tell you (with or without words), “You’re more trouble than you’re worth.” No way. He will always say, “You’re worth everything to me!” Yes, you can run to Jesus.
Yes, I can take care of myself
Here’s what I’ve come to realize:
Too many of us have been waiting our whole lives for others to say “Yes” to us.
We’ve expected other people to give us permission.
But you are the only person who can regularly say “yes” to the hardest person to say “yes” to.
So say it with me:
“Yes, I can take care of myself.
I won’t wait for anyone else.
I’ll say ‘Yes’ to myself today.
And every day.”
Your Turn
What “Yes, you can…” would you add to the list?
I really liked this post. I have learned to give myself permission to feel whatever feeling. Sadness, anger, joy, etc. If I need to cry I do and I make no apologies for it. Thank you for a wonderful post.
Yes I can find ways to pursue my dreams while being a widowed mom. <3 Sometimes it feels too hard or even a bit selfish. But if this is what God has called me to do and this is what he's gifted me to do, then I need to find ways to pursue it. Thanks for the permission list, Cheri. As always, I'm surprised how many of those fit me and touch my heart deeply. You are like a therapist in a blog some days.
to echo other comments: Thank you! For me, this manifested last week in buying clothes. Seems like such a small matter, but with 4 kids and a husband in ministry we often are tight. I’ll always make room in the budget for someone else to have an item they need…and realized I had continually told myself “no”. So I went to the store. Not overboard, mind you (I had been able to get 6 items for $75! coupon and discount shopping) but still had to battle guilt for such an indulgence.
Every few days for the last couple weeks I’ve been wearing a new item and have felt a surge of confidence each time. That its okay to take care of me a little. That its okay to spend a little on myself once in a while. As if I’m advocating for me a little more these days.
Then yesterday’s message at my church was about the word “no”. In terms of Lent and denying our selfishness to see how we can focus on Christ more. Its really beautiful, but I felt the familiar twinges of guilt telling me to get back in line. To push harder, be more cruel to myself.
Problem being I’ve already told myself ‘no’ for too long. To the point that now I’m having to make a lot of lifestyle adjustments to let my adrenal and thyroid glands recover from having been over-stressed for too long.
Thank you for sharing the other side of the spectrum. Your message of “YES” resonated so deeply.
Wonderful post! I am so glad I‘m not alone! That my spontanious tears are alright, that „I“ am alright. Even if others look at me in disbelief. Yes, I can accept myself – even if it is hard (and takes practice).
I can relate to this on so many levels.
I’ll go with: Yes, I can respond differently.
I find myself stuck in patterns, patterns of feelings. I was home recently and someone tried to shame me. I could have easily accepted the shame because the person was someone of significance in my life so I MUST BE WRONG, RIGHT?
I was involved in an “incident.” Instead of asking me for an explanation or giving me the benefit of the doubt, my significant one chastised me (under the guise of protecting someone else). I reminded myself I had done nothing wrong. It could have easily been cleared up if she had expected the best.
I realized the issue did not lie with me but with the other person.
Yes, I can respond differently, and I did. People can only guilt or shame me if I let them. Hurray for me! Great post!
Thank you. Very encouraging.
I love this column as it’s been me all of my life and I’m glad I realized it in my early 50’s. It helps me to better accept my sensitivity with others and at least put a finger on why I am the way I am! I hope this makes sense. I’m going back to college mid-career in order to get my Masters in Education and my teaching credential in early childhood special education. One of the reasons I’m doing this is because I LOVE helping and teaching others. It all just makes sense and makes me realize that this is what God has wanted for me all along! Things seem to be falling into place much easier because of these changes and understanding what makes me “tick” helps, as well. Thank you for this continued column of encouragement and nourishment. We need a lot more of this in our world today!
This is a wonderful “yes” list! Thank you so much for hitting all the right spots.
THANKS FOR THESE ENCOURAGING WORDS. IT IS HARD TO SAY YES TO OURSELVES.