“This is scary. You’re totally describing me. ”
We’ve been sitting at Starbucks for over an hour, talking on the inhale and the exhale.
My friend has nodded so often, I’m surprised her head is still attached. She’s laughed, cried, and thrown her hands up in the “How did you know?” gesture over and over.
Everything I’ve told her about being a Highly Sensitive Person is totally hitting home.
But there’s a hitch.
“I just can’t stand the word sensitive,” she says with an involuntary shudder.
3 Reasons Why You Don’t Want to Be an HSP
Five years ago, my only reaction to a woman who was less-than-thrilled to learn that she’s an HSP was my classic deer-in-the-headlights stare.
(Not exactly an expression of empathy.)
Their experience was so different from mine, and I didn’t know what it meant.
But now, I’m used to hearing things like
- “I just can’t stand the word sensitive.”
- “My family would never let me hear the end of it if I told them I’m a Highly Sensitive Person.”
- “Even though I got a high score on the quiz, I hate admitting to myself that I’m an HSP.”
I’m grateful to those of you who are helping me understand why sometimes we really don’t want to be HSP. Here are three common concerns:
1) The word sensitive carries negative connotations.
Look sensitive up on www.Dictionary.com, and you’ll find that it means:
- “easily irritated or annoyed”
- “delicate, touchy”
- “requiring tact or caution”
Synonyms include
- tense
- unstable
- high-strung
That’s a whole lotta baggage for one three-syllable word!
2) In many families, strong and self-sufficient are the only acceptable qualities.
If you’re anything else, you’d best “suck it up, Buttercup.”
3) For most of us, our idealized identity doesn’t include sensitivity.
When you were a little girl, did you tell your parents, “When I grow up, I want to be an HSP”?
Neither did I. Being an HSP is a truth about our wiring, not a goal we aspire to.
3 Reasons Why You Can Embrace Being HSP
The “3 Reasons Why You Don’t Want to Be an HSP” list above is valid. So is this list of powerful reframes.
1) The word sensitive has a plethora of positive meanings.
Here’s a short list:
- attentive
- authentic
- aware
- careful
- committed
- conscientious
- deep
- deliberate
- discerning
- empathetic
- faithful
- fine
- insightful
- intentional
- intuitive
- keen
- knowing
- observant
- perceptive
- reflective
- responsive
- precise
- thoughtful
- tuned-in
- understanding
- vulnerable
No, you can’t change what other people think about your sensitivity.
But you can remind yourself: I get to choose what being HSP means to me.
2) Research is redefining what it means to be strong.
About that last word on the list — vulnerable
Thanks to the ground-breaking work of Dr. Brene Brown, we know that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; it’s actually a sign of strength.
(Can’t see the video? Click here to watch directly on YouTube!)
Remind yourself: My sensitivity is a strength.
3) We value HSP qualities … in other people.
Many of us are conditioned to abuse ourselves and care only for others.
You berate yourself for being “such a big crybaby.” But when a friend becomes tearful, you quickly assure her, “It’s okay!” and hand her a Kleenex.
Read through the positive list again. These are the kind of people you’re drawn to, aren’t they? The goal, now, is to give yourself the same welcome you give others.
So remind yourself: The sensitivity I admire in others is the same sensitivity I see in me.
Why You Never Wanted to Be an HSP
During that Starbucks conversation with my friend, I had an all-new insight about why being an HSP is so hard for some of us to accept.
It was the light bulb moment I’ve been waiting five years to finally have, and I’ll share it with you next week.
Between now and then, I’d love to hear from you.
- What makes it hard for you to accept that you’re an HSP?
- What makes it hard for you to share with others that you’re an HSP?
- What would make it easier for you to admit to yourself and others that sensitive is in your DNA?
Discover the surprising strengths of your tender heart.
Join the Sensitive and Strong community and get your "Am I a Highly Sensitive Person?" self-quiz.
I told someone I’m an HSP, and she responded, “No, you’re not,” as if it’s a disease. I said, “I’m not?,” kind of doubty-like. It a tough mantle to carry.
It explains a lot but is really seen as a negative So what do you do? Accept you’re one but keep it a secret? 😳
Cheri, a friend sent me your blog post. I am so glad she did. I just discovered in the last year that I am HSP, answering every question as a yes, the Mt. Everest of HSP’s! Thank you for sharing your insights through the lens of the Christian faith! It is a relief to know it’s how I’m wired and not a weakness.
Oh my word I so identify with your friend saying she could never tell her family she was an HSP. Nope. It would be giving them more stones to throw. But thank you for that beautiful list of synonyms that are good for sensitive. <3
Cheri, I now listened to the TED talk by Brene Brown. Wow! I’ve been doing something real all along and didn’t completely get how good it is. Ever since I spent 3 months in a mental hospital when I was 37 or 38 in 1988 I have been constantly vulnerable to those around me. I can’t tell you how this message of hers hit me. I’ve been doing something right after all!!
I thought more after I wrote my post earlier. My husband says I’m very defensive but I think it’s part of my HSP. I hope you will touch on that. You may have already.
I also, have a tendency to want people to know why I did something or said something. Is that part of HSP? The need to explain is high but I have told myself it is okay to walk away and not explain because not everyone deserves to know or needs to know.
Someone posted below about how they are so sensitive to noise, crowds, etc. I am, too. But I, like someone else said I notice things about people, situations, and experiences that others pay no attention to. I see into others and sense what they need or are trying to say. I think that is a strength. My husband can’t believe all the things I notice. It’s funny how I figure out how movies are going to end or who the villain is way before it is revealed. I think that is special not bad.
I can’t wait to see what else you do with this HSP!!
I don’t mind the HSP. That’s who I am. My dad was one and as a pastor found it hard to speak from time to time when his emotions overcame him. My mom, the stoic would finish what he was trying to say from the organ or the front row at church. I guess in my family that made it embarrassing to show those emotions. Part of the hard is being the youngest in my family and having the stigma of being the “baby”.
I have been told that when I was a Bible study leader and a leader in other arenas my HSP tendencies have helped others be more vulnerable or open which makes it a positive
When I deny it inside and not want the HSP to show I have to put on the face I was taught as a child and when I do that it confuses me as to whether my feelings are valid or true. I think that has been a challenge for me my whole life. Am I overreacting, being dramatic, and too sensitive? It makes me not trust myself and then I lose my confidence.
In some situations I am completely in control and feel okay. But as a child the message was “don’t lose control. That’s not good.”
I mostly embrace the HSP the older I am. It helps to know I’m not alone and have a place to learn about it. Hearing others’ experiences creates a safety zone inside of me.
Thank you, Cheri!
I really dislike being an introverted HSP because I’m tired of fearing becoming overwhelmed in new or certain situations. My husband is very extroverted, high energy, and his job requires us to move every 2-3 years. So that creates a lot of stress for me. I want to have more energy to keep up with my husband and be a good helpmate. I don’t understand why God created me this way (some day He’ll tell me) but I’m trying to do the best I can. I know God does not make mistakes. I need to learn how to function better as an HSP so I would love to learn more from you. Both my kids are HSP.
Same here. You described my life, Laurie. Let’s keep in touch!
Being HSP leaves me feeling very vulnerable, not just to my own emotions but to other people as well. It can be exhausting too, as if there’s an extra motor running all the time that can’t be shut down.
Thank you for writing this post. It made me smile!
Some days I haveta hard time being HSP sibfrtI feel I don’t belong anywhere. And that no one really understand me. I would love to find like minded women to share with and talk to. It would make it easier for me.
Everything written so much describes me, I have always taken things to heart and then be frustrated with my emotions. I would recall everything and wonder what just happened.
When I think about how God created me, and being “overly sensitive”, I have extreme fear and shame about being crazy, insane, mental. Different, in a bad way. The reason for why I’m floundering, depressed, and a failure. The reason my life doesn’t and never will change. The reason no one can stand or put up with me. Needy. Weak. Undesirable. …..crazy
I think it’s hard to accept that I am an HSP because my older sister (we were born 18 months apart) is such a high energy, tough person whom nothing seems to faze. It’s hard to admit that I need more rest and, as much as I love to interact with people, need more breaks from them than she does.
This is totally true for me. I’ve finally accepted the fact that in an HSP, in the sense that I’m convinced that I am and I consider myself one. Sometimes it’s still hard for me to accept that I’m an HSP because I’m still learning to see the fact that I have needs (especially when I feel like they’re different from others’ “normal” needs) as a legitimate and real part of me and not a weakness. It’s hard for me to tell other people I consider myself an HSP because I feel like they will just see it as me giving myself an excuse to categorize things I dislike as “needs”. Actually, I haven’t really told very many people at all that I consider myself as highly sensitive.
HSP is my mom’s job. I’m supposed to be tough and hold everything together.
Many family systems don’t like change. This is a game changer in my family of origin. I’m not supposed to have feelings. Luckily my husband and boys know me and know I’ve always had feelings 😉 So I have a safe place to land.
When I found out that I was an HSP, it was a relief! Why? Because now I understand why people didn’t notice all the things I did. I didn’t know that my observation skills were abnormal, so I often felt unloved, unnoticed, and let down, because most people throw away a lot more detail than an HSP. I take it in and catalog it without even realizing it sometimes. Knowing that I am unique in that aspect frees me not to expect the same thing from others. There can be times that being an HSP is hard. But at the same time, it is a super power. I think I have struggled most in knowing how to use that super power in a way that lifts me up too. I think I am starting to understand more.
I enjoy reading your insightful thoughts about a HSP. You may not want to use the word “dang” in your writings! It is the slang word for “dam”. I would not want you to offend any HSP. This was something that the Lord curbed me in saying many slang words, which cursed the name of our Lord and Savior. This conviction by the Lord’s Spirit, made me HSP towards my choice of words against the Lord.
Blessings
I so wish I weren’t HSP. It has caused quite a bit of trouble in my life. It would be SO much easier to not be bothered. I really hate how easily I can get overwhelmed. I don’t want to be that way at all. I want to be the person who is unflappable who can manage what life throws at her. That’s who I want to be. But instead I get so easily knocked off my equilibrium. It all makes me feel like I’m a terrible Christian who only makes faith in Jesus look like something unattractive. It takes a lot of mental effort to believe that I am loved when I’m so obviously a disappointment. (OK, I know I’m not really a disappointment. But when I’m in the midst of the storm, that’s where my mind goes.)
Exactly! Yes. Thank you
I find it somewhat liberating to realize that I’m and HSP- I was always trying to cover up my sentivity or become stronger – knowing it is part of my personality allows me to give myself more grace.
Great post…. I think sometimes it’s when I realize I am so different from those around me. Normally I don’t care or don’t notice or it doesn’t affect me. Or I am around enough people who seem to love and accept me for who I am.quirks and all. But once in a while there is that person who just acts annoyed by my sensitivity. It causes a rift in relationship. The only word to describe it is rejection. I feel a sense of rejection of me. Sometimes I think so deeply about stuff even I am sick of myself.
Then I wonder what is it like to go around not thinking about this kind of stuff. Then I am grateful for God and how he made me and loves me and addresses me because of what he knows and loves about me. And he does the same for others.
I relate…
… .that person who just acts annoyed by my sensitivity. It causes a rift in relationship. The only word to describe it is rejection. I feel a sense of rejection of me. Sometimes I think so deeply about stuff even I am sick of myself.
Then I wonder what is it like to go around not thinking about this kind of stuff. …..
Your posts are fantastic, Cheri. Keep them coming! I’m learning to appreciate this trait thanks to you. I always knew I was sensitive but I often saw it as a negative thing and still struggle at times. I think of it as a “high maintenance” personality… So often over thinking things or being wounded by someone who doesn’t have this in their temperament at all! I forget that there are very positive sides to it that people are able to appreciate and some are drawn to. Finding your site has been a God send. At a crucial time too because I’ve been grieving the loss of my mom. What a time to be sensitive!!
Such a good post, again! I was relieved to discover I was an HSP. It clarified so very much for me. On the other hand, I’m not going to go around telling people that I’m one, because, well, I’m sensitive. Lol. One thing that made it hard for me to accept my HSP qualities was that my sister is also one, but hers looks very different than mine. I could also be labeled as strong willed, feisty, spirited, stubborn, etc. but I’m still an extremely sensitive person to sounds, people, crowds, textures, temperatures, emotions, pain, change, etc. My sister is meek, subdued, quiet, reserved, etc. She was usually seen as the sensitive one. However, from what I know now, I may well be more sensitive than she is. I went through some personal counseling for some months, and my counselor helped me to see how being an HSP is a tremendous gift; when I accepted it as part of who God made me, I began to see how it benefited me so much in my parenting, my friendships, my creative work and more. I’m gradually becoming more comfortable with letting the “secret” out. Haha. 😀