How to Say No to the Hardest Person to Say No to
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Why did I do this to myself—again?
It’s late October, and I’m looking at my November and December calendars.
Once again, almost every square is crammed with microscopic writing.
My own writing.
I can hear my first boss’s immortal words: “Yes, Cheri, you sure did this to yourself!”
Why did I do this to myself again?
- I’m taking a hard class this semester.
- I’m catching up on a bunch of old projects.
- I’m de-cluttering the house.
I’m anything but bored. What happened to my bold proclamations that I was “cutting back” so I could “do less, better”?
Why did I do this to myself again?
The answer hits hard and true:
I’m trying to stretch my plate.
A Capacity Metaphor
My dear friend and mentor, Kathi Lipp, uses the metaphor of a plate to illustrate how each of us has our own individual capacity.
“Some people have a serving platter, some have a dinner plate, and others have a demitasse saucer.”
The first time I heard Kathi say this, my first reaction was
Yes! I have a serving platter!
All my life, friends and acquaintances have showered me with accolades for my productivity:
- “You do ____, ____, AND you’re doing _____?!?”
- “Cheri, I don’t know how you do it all!”
- “I could never do half as much as you do!”
They never knew the truth.
Neither did I.
Another Capacity Metaphor
In December, I read a blog post from Seth Godin in which he references a snippet scene from The Hobbit: Bilbo Baggins telling Gandalf, “I feel thin … sort of stretched … like butter scraped over too much bread”
Godin comments
What happens if instead of always seeking more butter, we find the discipline to cover less bread?”
Spreading our butter too thin is a form of hiding. It helps us be busy, but makes it unlikely we will make an impact.
Hiding? No way. “Showing off” maybe. But hiding?
But even as I fought it, the truth sunk in.
Trying to stretch my plate is a form of hiding.
Borrowing and Juggling
My plate manipulation strategies aren’t limited to stretching. I’ve also begged, borrowed, and stolen plates from other people.
Then, to “get it all done,” I’ve juggled like a madwoman. A madwoman with no hand-eye coordination. Which meant sweeping up a lot of broken plate pieces.
All because I’d convinced myself
Yes! I have a serving platter!
The Truth
But I don’t have a serving platter. Or a dinner plate, for that matter.
Turns out, I’m a demitasse saucer kinda gal.
Five decades of trying harder and harder have taught me:
No matter how high I pile my plate, I can’t make it bigger.
The harder I try…
- … the more I let down those I love.
- … the more I disappoint people to whom I’ve made promises.
- … the more I exhaust and lose myself.
Worst of all, each time I try to stretch my plate, I demonstrate distrust in my Maker, basically telling God
- You made a mistake.
- I’m going to fix it.
- I’m going to show You and everyone else I know that Yes! I do have a serving platter!
The Hardest Person to Say “No” to
We’ve all heard great advice for how to say “No” to other people.
But the most important—and hardest—person for me to say No to is myself.
I’ve spent my life telling myself Yes! I have a serving platter!
Except that I don’t.
The plate God gave me is small. When I start to load it with projects, it holds very few.
Thus, I must choose the few that only I can do.
How to Say No
When considering a new optional commitment, I now ask myself one question:
Is there space on my plate?
- NOT, Can I pile it higher?
- NOT, Can I borrow someone else’s?
- NOT, Can I juggle one more?
One question:
Is there space on my plate?
Each time I say this kind of No to myself, I say Yes to coming out of hiding.
I must say No to myself.
So I can say Yes to my truest self.
This is a great metaphor! This is a way to help me say no – I’m really a dessert plate who keeps trying to grow up to be a platter! Never works!
I am also an hsp. Sending love your way! Much burnout in the past. I have tried to learn the lessons of having monthly, immediate family meetings and designating my work. Do you want some ideas?
I often google research how to problem solve a family member situation and send it their way…. (instead of) getting myself (personally involved) in helping them. If they don’t follow up on it, some or all of their support is not my problem!
For instance, daughter in law who doesn’t know how to cook, will learn from my son. . . not me. She is also looking for a career internship… sent her to a googled phone number of a organization of retired business leaders that mentor and network with others. Gave her some web sites too.
Is it possible that your mom would consider the local YMCA seniors group? Bingo? Knitting Clubs? Writing Clubs? Church etc? Is she at all tech. savy. The local library has free classes to teach seniors more about technology. How about buying her a used piano keyboard and music?
I am convinced that soon after child rearing, a parent should look into their own life, interests, passions, and spiritually more closely. Some seniors could use a little life counseling, especially if they have been through a divorce or grief of some kind. Much TV watching and depending strictly on family for support and friendship is not good.
Ever since I was in high school and came off a year of sleeping only 5 hours a night because of the dozens of commitments I was trying to keep, my dad would tell me that I was the type of person that excelled at focusing on only a few things and doing those really well. Every few years, I have to reset myself and remember that I have now committed to too many things again and need to slowly start to back out if I really want to be effective for God and those He has for me to reach. Now is one of those times, and this post was a great reinforcement of that need. Thank you!
Hi, Cheri. I was able to sit in on your workshop during MomCon and I haven’t been able to get these ideas and tools out of my mind. I am excited to be able to share with my MOPS group in a couple weeks about this topic. I am hoping that I do not miss an important step in what you all were able to share with us. You gave us an email, or is there a place that has the outline of the different personalities, as well as the demonstration of the different plates? Should I just refer to this short write up here. I think it is fantastic, and I feel the Moms will really resonate with this so much. Thank you for sharing with us when you did. I know that I went away from the whole weekend renewed and refreshed. Blessings to you!
Unfortunately, that would mean never doing anything I want to do because of all the things I have to do as a wife, mom and employee. I’ve already paired down church to just one thing.
Cheri- I think you seriously live inside of my head! This is very hard for me but you nailed it- I hide behind my busyness and it does stem from lack of trust.
Thanks Cheri for giving words to what I have been struggling with lately. I have recently suspected that my plate isn’t as large as I thought it was. My go to phrase has been “I’ll figure it out” and I keep adding more and more to my plate. time to evaluate the size of my plate!
Wow. I am being convicted of how my busy-ness is a cover-up for laziness and now I am feeling like my plate may also be smaller than I would like to think.
But if we have an overloaded plate, what steps do we take to remove things?
I work 40 hours per week as a medical practice manager and help my husband to take care of his disabled dad and his farm. Somebody has to cook and clean and grocery shop and do laundry and pack lunches and get my stepson off to school and spend time with my (divorced and retired) mom. No wonder I do most of that list hap-hazardly and sometimes poorly. No wonder I don’t make time to do the class-work I have already paid for, but that sits on my desk, undone.