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How to Know How Much to Share

by Cheri Gregory

Longing for a place where you don't have to explain or defend yourself ... because you're already understood and accepted? The Sensitive & Strong Community Cafe is open to new members. We'd love you to join us!

Longing for a place where you don't have to explain or defend yourself ... because you're already understood and accepted? The Sensitive & Strong Community Cafe is open to new members. We'd love you to join us!

I’ve spent so much of my life trying to convince people to like me.

If I’d been twins, you could have named one “Over” and the other “Eager” because I’ve been so desperate to win over all my naysayers.

The parents who blamed me, the teacher, for their student’s poor grades.

The relative who replaced my plans with their own.

The friend who was “just trying to help” me be a better mother.

I tried to improve each of these strained relationships by talking honestly, sharing my heart, and inviting reciprocity. Over the years, my vulnerability helped one or two relationships improve. Most, however, got worse, not better.

I’m starting to understand why:

I never learned how to set boundaries.

How to Know How Much to Share

Safe and Unsafe Relationships

As I think back through all the negative relationships I tried so hard to “fix,” I’m dismayed by the energy I poured into people who didn’t care.

In many cases, they weren’t just apathetic: they were unsafe.

I tried to build bridges by sharing authentically and vulnerably. But they twisted my words against me.

If I could have a do-over of my life, I would take all the time I spent on people who don’t care about me and invest it in people who actually do.

Sharing my heart with people who do care is fuel for friendship. With those who don’t, it’s ammo for injury.  

How Much to Share

I give other people too much power. Much of the time, they don’t actually take control—I hand it right over on a silver platter. Often, they don’t even realize they have so much influence; I just react to them as if they do.

As much as I hate to admit it, most of this has been simple manipulation: trying to get others to behave the way I want so I can feel the way I want.

In Setting Boundaries for Women, Allison Bottke says,

Remember that setting boundaries isn’t about convincing others to behave the way we think they should. It’s about being very clear about our own limits, what we will and will not accept in our lives, and being able to back up these standards. It’s about us behaving in a manner that protects our hearts, brings glory and honor to God, and builds our self-respect. It’s not about not relying on other people to give us approval or validate our feelings. It’s about claiming our God-given spiritual authority.” (page 15)

The Safety Sorter

I developed The Safety Sorter to help me better discern what kind of energy to invest in which relationships.

It’s become my go-too tool for helping me learn how to set boundaries.

Click on the image below to download a printable PDF.

how to set boundaries

The Bottom Half of the Safety Sorter

On the bottom half of the Safety Sorter are bullies and unsafe people. Those who blame, shame, and punish you for being who you are. Those who presume, dismiss, and neglect.

I’ve poured way too much time and energy into bullies and unsafe people, trying to transform them into friends. I’d lead with vulnerability: “I’ll share a weakness of mine, then you can share a weakness of yours, and we’ll bond over our shared weaknesses!”

When they used my weakness against me, I thought, “Oh, I shared the wrong one. Let me share a different one.” It sounds crazy now, but at the time I didn’t recognize them as unsafe people. I believed them. I thought the primary problem in each relationship was me.

I now recognize that because I didn’t know how to set boundaries, I gave bullies and unsafe people so much authority that I allowed them to teach me how to treat myself. They punished me, so I punished myself. They neglected me, so I neglected myself. Ultimately, I became my most unsafe person and biggest bully.

Now that I’ve learned how to set boundaries, I don’t have time for any of the destructive nonsense in the bottom half of the Safety Sorter. When someone doesn’t like me for who I am, I don’t have to give them information they can use to hurt me. I can keep my mouth shut around them.

I can be Lizzy Bennet telling Lady Catherine de Bourgh in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, “I do not pretend to possess equal frankness with your ladyship. You may ask questions which I shall not choose to answer.’’

In fact, I’ve discovered the power of a mysterious smile, which some bullies find downright maddening (a fact I enjoy far too much).

The Top Half of the Safety Sorter

The top half of the Safety Sorter is where you find healthy relationships with safe people who understand you, listen to you, and accept you, and cheerleaders who inspire, encourage, and notice you.

This is who you want to share with, take risks with, be vulnerable with. They’ll take good care of the precious parts of your heart you share with them. And they’ll reciprocate by sharing their hearts with you.

When we quit hanging out in the bottom half of the Safety Sorter, something wonderful happens. Not only do we have more safe people in our own lives, but we have the time and energy and attention to become cheerleaders for others.

Instead of spending our lives defending ourselves from the bullies and trying to make unsafe people behave, we can focus on the people God brings into our lives for us to notice, encourage, and inspire.

 

(excerpted from Overwhelmed: How to Quiet the Chaos and Restore Your Sanity, co-authored with Kathi Lipp, pages 197-200.)

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Categorized: Connecting with Others

About Cheri Gregory

I'm a collaborator at heart. With Kathi Lipp, I'm the co-author of You Don't Have to Try So Hard and Overwhelmed. With Amy Carroll, I'm the co-host of Grit 'n' Grace: The Podcast and co-author of Exhale. With Denise J. Hughes, I'm the co-author of Sensitive & Strong. I've been married to my college sweetheart, Daniel, for almost 32 years and have two adult children: Annemarie and Jonathon.

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Comments

  1. Karen Walter says

    November 23, 2019 at 5:50 am

    Thank you for this. I’m new here and just started learning about myself as an HSP. I’m about to spend Thanksgiving with three energy vampires. My “safe” people will not be with me. Going to be pray-cessing a lot. It’s difficult when you discover that your “un-safe” people include your children. But I’m excited about setting boundaries and having my inner world be safe and peaceful. If all I have is Jesus, that’s enough. Thankfully He has blessed me with two people I can identify as “safe”.
    So thankful this Thanksgiving I found you all.
    Blessings to all
    Karen

    Reply
  2. Andrea Virnau says

    March 28, 2018 at 2:55 pm

    Loved reading this. I am definitely learning who- and who not – to share certain parts of my life with. I have been surprised, and upset, at the ppl in my life that I need to be careful with( my words). I have started praying before I see them- for discernment with what to share. And to make sure I am being attentive. Thank you for taking time out of your life, Cheri, to share your journey!!!

    Reply
  3. Mukkove says

    September 24, 2015 at 3:39 pm

    Your Safety Sorter is such a good idea! What really hit me as I read is that I often am the Unsafe Person and even the Bully- to myself. Ouch.
    You sharing your journey has been very helpful to me. I don’t comment near as often as I would like. The things you are learning and sharing are helping me grow. Thank you!

    Reply
  4. Denise says

    September 24, 2015 at 11:32 am

    Do you think it’s possible that a person could be safe for sharing at a particular time or circumstance but not another? It would seem that with differing personalities and life experiences sometimes one could empathize with another but not always.

    Reply
  5. wendy janin says

    September 23, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    Excellent article! Thank you so much!

    Reply
  6. Pam says

    September 23, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    LOVE The Safety Sorter–especially how the 3 interactions disintegrated as relationships grew more toxic. “I wouldn’t change a thing,” says the girl you always manage to “get.”

    “Trying to get others to behave the way I want so I can feel the way I want” – testify!

    Well done!

    Reply
    • Meri says

      April 11, 2017 at 4:44 am

      Finding your site has been the “air” I’ve needed to breathe, because I felt like I was drowning in despair. What a relief to learn that an HSP can also be strong…and that I’m not the only one of my kind. I knew that, but now I have a place of acceptance, belonging, comfort, encouragement, and understanding.
      THANKS for the Safety Sorter…and a safe place to Pray-cess. What a wonderful word!

      Reply

Hi, I’m Cheri Gregory. I’m delighted you’re here!

Cheri Gregory
I believe that every Highly Sensitive Christian woman can grow in confidence, candor, and contentment.

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