How to Say the Right “Yes”

 

What do I say?!?

A stand-up comedienne friend has just messaged me,

Hi Cheri, howaya? I’m looking to produce a show in Santa Cruz, and I’m wondering if you would be interested in performing “Insomnia”?

My immediate reaction: She likes me! She really likes me!

Which means I have to tell her “I’d LOVE to!!!”

Reason trumps emotion: I’m behind in my coursework. I’m on a book deadline. I’m traveling three out of four weekends for several months.

Which means I have to tell her, “Sorry. Too busy.”

But neither response feels right.

The First Pause

Because we aren’t face-to-face, I have time to figure out why.

• “I’d LOVE to!!!” is true — I really would! But it implies I’m committed, which I’m not.

• “Sorry. Too busy.” is also true. But it sounds cold and disinterested, which I am not.

What do I really want to communicate, first and foremost?

Tentatively, I type out, “Oh wow, that sounds like SO MUCH FUN!”

This is what I want to say.

• “Yes” to the fun.

• “Yes” to this friendship.

I don’t have enough details to say Yes to the commitment.

But first, and foremost, I want to say Yes to the connection.

The Second Pause

When she tells me the date—

Spring break, at the end of March first week of April.

—I’m bummed.

I’m supposed to be in southern California then.

The temptation to double-book now and figure it out later rises strong.

Who am I kidding? “figure it out later” really means “cancel on one of you at the last minute.” 

I simply say, “I’ll be in southern CA March 31 – April 5.”

To which she responds

Oh darn, well next time, then. Let me know if anything changes okay cuz you are fantastic!

I am stunned.

• I haven’t had to say, “I can’t do it.”

• I’ve expressed my enthusiasm.

• I’ve been honest about my prior commitment

It simply won’t work, this time. I’m not double-booked. I’m not even disappointed.

It’s all good!

The Lesson

I’ve spent my life saying the wrong “Yes.”

Impulsively blurting out “Yes” to commitments because I want to say “Yes” to connections.

Failing to see that they’re two different “Yes”es. Sure, they often work in tandem. But not always.

Now when I receive an invitation, I’m practicing my two-step:

• Step 1:  Respond to the connection.

• Step 2:  Respond to the commitment.

A few days ago, I was invited by a very special person to a very special event that’s coming up very especially soon.

My gut instinct was to say, “I’ll be there!” Then, I checked my calendar and almost said, “Are you crazy? There’s no way!”

Instead, I said, “I would love to be there.”

I couldn’t yet make the commitment to the specific investment of time or energy. But I could take the first step of saying a whole-hearted “Yes” to the connection.

How about you? How good is your two-step?

• Step 1:  Respond to the connection

• Step 2:  Respond to the commitment.

Whether or not we can say “Yes” to a commitment, we can always say “Yes” to connection.

 

Your Turn

How about you? When have you said “Yes” to a commitment as a way of saying “Yes” to connection? How might the two-step help you say the “right ‘Yes'”?