The One Powerful Way You Can Break Free from “Faking Fine”
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All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.Psalm 38:9-10, 21-22 (NIV)
The phone rings.
I reach to answer, but then caller ID flashes on the screen. My hand hovers as two competing needs play tug-of-war within me.
One is the need to remain loyal, to conform to habit, to simply pick up the phone and say, “Hey there! How are you?”
The other is a newer need, one that’s been growing at a surprising pace:
I need to quit faking fine.
The phone rings again, and I teeter between duty and desire.
I know the person calling loves me. I also know that our conversation will follow one of two scripts.
In the first script …
In the first script, when they ask, “How are you?” I will muster up my best acting skills and put on a convincing performance.
And they will be thrilled, thrilled to hear I’m doing so well.
They will praise God that their prayers for me are being answered.
They will affirm me for doing all the right things: reading my Bible, praying, keeping a gratitude journal, serving others.
In the second script …
In the second script, when they ask, “How are you?” I will tell the truth.
I am doing all the “right” things: reading my Bible, praying, keeping a gratitude journal, serving others.
And I am …
… exhausted.
… depleted.
… discouraged.
… quite possibly depressed.
After a brief pause—during which it will be deafeningly obvious that they will not be praising God that their prayers for me are being answered — they will muster up a pick-me-up speech meant to fix me.
As the second script plays out, I will do my best to listen while simultaneously choking back tears.
I will know they want to help, but I will feel an undercurrent of blame for not trying hard enough to hold myself together.
And I will feel dismissed, as if their need for positivity is a higher priority than my current reality.
I’m in a season of unremitting grief, feeling a cascade of losses in very vivid ways.
Well-meaning friends and family members keep telling me about specific practices they’re leaning into that make them feel much more upbeat and positive.
I’m not questioning them; I believe them.
Whenever they tell me about their helpful habits, I feel pressure to come up with my own go-to solution so I can sound equally positive.
But the truth is, sometimes lament is the right response to seasons of grief.
Like a coastal fog that shrouds the sun and surrounding terrain, when grief descends, what was once positive and light becomes burdensome, and our souls become unnavigable.
It is then we lament…
All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
Desperate, we cry out to God…
Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.
We trust that the sun will break through the fog, the season will shift, and sunlight will glisten on the bay once again.
Although I crave human understanding, I know I cannot expect from humans what only God can provide.
So instead, I follow David’s lead and call out to the One who can handle my sorrow.
With God alone
Letting the phone call go to voice mail, I sit down in my prayer chair with my Bible and prayer journal. There, I pour out my heart and my tears to God with no restraint.
I’ll return the call when I’m not a ticking time bomb of reactivity, ready to detonate on an unsuspecting friend or family member.
First, I need to be real and raw with God alone.
It’s okay to feel a deep sense of loss with God.
It’s such a relief to know He sees me where I actually am. Not where others wish me to be … expect me to be … need me to be.
God can handle every single bit of my humanity … and yours.
With Him, there’s no dismissiveness, no reprimand, no round-about hinting about “how you should be feeling.” No cliché, “Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional!”
With God, you don’t need to worry about ever being a burden.
You never have to get yourself together before a conversation.
You don’t even have to worry about His feelings as your messy, tangled emotions come out in a rush.
With God, you never ever need to “fake fine.”
You are seen by God.
You are known by God.
You are loved by God.
Right where you are, right now.
I can so relate. In some ways I enjoyed the lockdown because I had a rest from face-to-face interaction with people outside my home. I’m a natural introvert, so I became quite comfortable at home. Phone calls feel easier than in person interactions. Thank you for this post.
Wow this stepped on my toes in a very good way!! I do this so often, my family and friends are just used to seeing upbeat and cheerful most all the time. The few times that I thought I could have a real conversation with them about how I was really feeling, they looked extremely concerned and tried to fix me, thinking I had not been spending enough time with the Lord, was just being in a mood and needed to just get out of it, etc. So these days, I do like what you are saying Cheri, I will let the phone call go, get some alone time with the Lord, let Him be my sounding board and help me work through whatever I am going through. I love this message, and thank you so much for sharing this with HSP Sisters! 🙂
So true. God wants us to be totally honest with Him, and the Spirit groans in intercession for us when words are insufficient. I have found that I prefer to grieve with God alone most often, rather than battling my constant analyzing of how what I might say or feel would affect another person. Only with Him have I been able to allow myself to weep deeply enough (often multiple times, over many months) to reach a point of sustained comfort.
A resource I have found extremely helpful in the grieving process is “Journeying Through Grief”. It’s a set of 4 very short books by Kenneth C. Haugk, available through Stephen Ministries. Since we HSPs feel so deeply, maybe our grieving process is deeper as well.
This is perfect for me today! And validation that when I stopped and let myself feel what I was feeling this morning was ok. I poured my heart and tears out to the Lord. And then I told myself to follow the pattern of the Psalms and give thanks and remind myself of who God is. I love every bit of what you wrote here. I appreciate you sharing your heart, and through it, connecting our hearts to the Lord. Bless you.
Don’t want to say,
I’m ok
Yet, don’t want to hear
Quick fixes, speedy solutions
Even a prayer…
Its going to fall on my
Stopped ears…
Hmm, Lord, i know
yes, I do,
That You’re in control
of center stage
And the green rooms
and the cast and the crew…
Yet, I need some place
To cry,
Do You think I’m ungrateful?
Won’t be surprised
If You say yes…
But also, I know
That this is THE DAY
Your hand has wrought
And even this mess
You’ve carefully thought…
Feels SO good
To share my thoughts with You
You’re the best, Lord
You are
and I’ll wait
You’re working all things
For me for my good…
Talk about planning..
Meticulous detail
How do You get
Everything to gel..
Thank you, Dear Father
Dear Friend of the Lost
And Dear Helper
Thank you, amazing
Awesome God….
Wow, you really touched me tonight.
Seems that Monday’s suck the joy right out of me. I am exhausted and barely can drive there 45 minutes home from work. As soon as I get inside, I have to be ready for getting in the kitchen and hearing the days activities. Really just need some time to delete and hit reboot.
Praying for all of us! Thankful for the awareness and learning how to cope. It is a process!
Thank you for this validating content at exactly the right time; I too am finally allowing myself to feel grief I’ve held off on for years and years. Trying to integrate it into my body and validating my emotions and experiences is something so delicate, it’s hard to find people to trust who won’t dismiss it. After feeling distant from God for a while I feel comfort reading your words and in the songs “randomly” playing from my Spotify while I read (it’s just on shuffle but three in a row have played that feel like direct messages for me in this moment)… Thank you Cheri<3
Thank you, Cherie. You expressed that so well. And I appreciate the other comments too. All my life I have wanted people to let me be me. People cannot understand why I react differently.
But many times I want to fix other people too. I think why don’t you try this or that? So I need to learn to accept others for who they are just as I want them to accept me for who I am. And not feel guilty or inadequate or not up to scratch because I respond to situations differently.
Cherie I do appreciate your honesty and your understanding of situations and your Godly attitude.
Dear Cheri!
A very,very BIG THANK YOU –
You are a blessing to me, dear sister!!!
Best wishes and lots of love – may The Lord bless you and keep you.
Connie
“And I will feel dismissed, as if their need for positivity is a higher priority than my current reality.” This. Thank you for this timely reminder that I can just lament-I can just Be. This year(2021) has been one of the roughest, and 2020 was rough, too- and I’m not factoring in COVID. I’m tired. I “ know” I should see a counselor, get back to AlAnon, have boundaries, take time for myself, -all the things. But I do not feel like it right this minute. I’m tired of hearing, and pushing myself, “to just keep going”, “suck it buttercup”, etc. It is good to be reassured that I am not alone. He hears. And you know how it feels, Cheri. Thank you.
Andrea you have expressed my thoughts as well. I get so tired of other people telling me what to do as if it was an easy solution.
So hard for some people to understand.
I RELATE TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING AND THANK YOU FOR SAYING IT.
Thank you, Cheri! This really spoke to me today, as I feel the same way right now when the phone rings. Ugh! Our family is also going through some major issues and I’ve been feeling drained. Thanks again!