How to Overcome the “I MUST have the Whole Set” Mindset

Back in the 90’s, I wasn’t just in the target market for every company that sold craft project “how-to” card subscriptions.

I was their bullseye customer.

As in, they put a sheep emoji next to my name in their databases — I was that easy to fleece.

But I didn’t know it at the time.

All I knew was that no matter how long I stayed a subscriber, or how faithfully I paid, I could never seem to get the whole set.

Now I’ve forgotten most of the the details about the various craft card companies I faithfully sent checks to, month in and month out.

But I do have two distinct memories.

Memory #1: The cards arrived in shrink-wrapped packets, one per month. The cards were numbered for ease of organization. But strangely, the cards in a packet were never numbered in numerical order. One month’s mailing might include cards 7, 39, 42, 65, 88, 91, 130, 173, 206, and 244. The next month’s set might be 4, 18, 23, 58, 77, 100, 146, 191, 213, and 249. Then several months would go by during which I received no single-digit cards at all, making me despair of ever gathering the first 10, let alone the first 100!

Memory #2: Every so often — right about the time I was getting discouraged enough to consider canceling — I received A BRAND NEW EMBOSSED BINDER <swoon> to store my growing collection. And one day, I believed, I would have the whole set:  Every single card, from #1 to … well, whatever the last number was! … perfectly organized in beautiful binders.

Actually, I have a third memory …

… and I’ll bet it won’t surprise you:

Memory #3: I never made a single craft based on any of these craft project how-to cards. Oh no. I was waaaay too busy collecting, organizing, and storing them! But more importantly, I was waiting until I had all of them before I used any of them. 

4 Causes of the “I MUST have the Whole Set” Mindset

1. Looking back now, I see what an easy mark I was for these companies. I was not an artsy-craftsy kind of gal, but I was more than willing to “buy in order to become”!

2. And since Perfectionism had been running my life for as long as I could recall — and would continue to do so until my mid-40’s — my “I MUST have the whole set” mindset made perfect sense. (More about this in a bit!)

3. The companies were using a couple of powerful psychological principles against me. One was a variable ratio reinforcement strategy — which creates habits that are the hardest to break.  Each month I tore the shrink wrap off a packet of new craft cards and fanned them out, desperately hoping to find Card #1 … or #2 … or #3. Receiving “the prize” on rare and unpredictable occasions made me a customer for life. 

4. Another was the Gestalt principle of closure — which says that our brains seek order, predictability, and completion. During my Perfectionism days, my normal need for closure became a compulsion. So the idea of canceling my subscriptions before I’d gotten every. single. card. was unthinkable.

“What if … ?”

Until one day, when I was going through our family budget looking for ways to save money, and this conversation happened in my head:

Cheri:  “If only I could cancel all these subscriptions.”

Perfectionism:  “You can’t, because you don’t have the whole set yet.”

Cheri:  “But I really want the kids to take swim lessons this summer!”

Perfectionism:  “Just think how wonderful it will feel to have every single card, #1 through whatever, all lined up on the shelf!”

Wild Thought Out of Nowhere:  “What if …

Cheri:  <leaning forward in anticipation> 

Wild Thought Out of Nowhere:  “What if you just use a Sharpie on all the cards? You could cross out all the printed numbers, number them 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 until you get done. And then you can call the set ‘complete’ and cancel your subscription!”

Perfectionism:  NOOOOOOOOO!!! You can’t do that! You’ll RUIN EVERYTHING you’ve WORKED SO HARD FOR!!! You’re not allowed to … of all the … I can’t believe … this is the worst … Don’t listen to him! 

Now in case you’re starting to hyperventilate at the idea of using a Sharpie to re-number professionally-printed craft cards, let me assure you: I didn’t do it.

I briefly considered putting white labels over the pre-printed numbers and writing new numbers on the labels. But I couldn’t even do that.

However, what I DID do was way better:

Cheri: <💡> “The entire numbering system is a hoax!”

The only purpose the numbers served was to keep me tethered to the company, sending checks in hope that one day Card #10 would come.

I canceled every single subscription. Enrolled my kids in swim classes with the money I saved.

And never looked back.

Or so I thought.

The Whole Set of Dishes

About 15 years ago, I bought the most delightful set of everyday dishes: Pfaltzgraff Beachcomber, to be exact. At the time, they were on sale, and although I was tempted to stockpile, I told myself, “I can always add more settings later.”

But the Beachcomber pattern was on sale because it was being discontinued.

Inevitably, my new dishes began to chip and break, re-fueling the flames of my “I MUST have the whole set!” mindset.

I searched for replacement plates on eBay—and just about fainted from sticker shock.

In desperation, I paid more for three replacement salad plates than I’d paid for …

… well, let’s just say I paid an absurd amount for three replacement salad plates, okay?

“What if … ?” Revisited

Within a week, two of the replacement plates were already chipped.

As I headed back to eBay, Wild Thought Out of Nowhere made another appearance.

Wild Thought Out of Nowhere:  Are you really going to chase after these dishes the way you chased after those dumb craft cards?

Cheri:  What do you mean?

Wild Thought Out of Nowhere:  How much money are you going to let your “I MUST have the whole set” mindset cost you this time?

Cheri:  Oh. I guess you’re right. With the cards, I could never quite get the whole set. This time, I have the whole set, but it keeps getting ruined. 

Wild Thought Out of Nowhere:  What if … 

Cheri:  <leaning forward in anticipation> 

Curiosity (Wild Thought Out of Nowhere’s real name): What if you could expand your definition of “the whole set”?

Cheri:  <staring unblinking> What do you mean?

Curiosity:  What if you decided that “the whole set” of your everyday dishes could include dishes in similar colors to your Beachcomber pattern … but they don’t have to be Pfaltzgraf dishes?

Perfectionism:  NOOOOOOOOO!!! You can’t do that! That would ruin EVERYTHING you’ve WORKED SO HARD FOR!!!

Cheri: <searching on Amazon> Oh my goodness … look at these gorgeous plates from Sweese in different shades of blue! They’ll fit right in, and I can get a set of six for a fraction of what one replacement Beachcomber salad plate costs on eBay!

Perfectionism:  You’re not allowed to … of all the … I can’t believe … this is the worst … 

Cheri: Oh look, Sweese also makes adorable little bowls in all those same shades of blue. Aren’t they cuuuute?

Perfectionism:  Stop! Stop! STOP, I say! You’re doing this the wrong way!!!!!

Curiosity: <linking arms with me as we walk away> Isn’t this fun?!?

The Need to “Close the Loop”

If your brain and body are wired for High Sensitivity, you likely have a greater-than-average need to “close the loop.”

Why?

Because one defining quality of being a Highly Sensitive Person is noticing nuances: staying on high alert, seeing slight differences, sensing broken patterns.

And you know from a lifetime of being overwhelmed by external and internal stimuli that you can only handle so much.

So you’ve learned that sometimes you have to say “no” to anything new because 100% of your capacity is being poured into prior commitments that are still in-process. Once you get them wrapped up, your bandwidth will open back up.

In other words: Once you close the old loops, you can open new ones.

It’s a brilliant way to manage your limited resources.

But then Perfectionism shows up and twists your healthy plan to “close the loop” into an energy-draining compulsion.

Perfectionism demands that you hyper-focus on “closing the loop” with things that don’t truly align with your core values via the “I MUST have the whole set” mentality.

For me, it was craft cards and everyday dishes.

For my friend and co-author Kathi Lipp, it was wanting to plant and grow all the herbs … even the ones she’d never ever use when cooking.

For one Sensitive & Strong Community Cafe Cafe member, it was a huge “bundle” of theme teaching units … most of which gathered dust.

For you, it might be ordering an entire series of books … before you know if you even like the first one.

Or replacing a full set of pens when the one color you never use goes missing.

There’s nothing wrong with seeking completion.

You just want to train your nuance-noticing brain to recognize the “I MUST have the whole set!” mindset as a tell-tale sign of Perfectionism.

And invite Curiosity into the convo, with the magic words:

“What if … ?”