Easily Offended vs. Highly Sensitive: How to Know the Difference
“Growing Sensitive & Strong” is the life-changing program that moves you from “What’s wrong with me?” to comfortable and confident in who God made you as a Highly Sensitive Person.
To be the first to know when Early Bird Registration for our summer session begins, you can add yourself to the Waiting List right here.
I still can’t believe I had the nerve to do it!
I’m driving to a family gathering; at each stop light I tip the rear view mirror down so I can look at myself and giggle.
It’s taken me 18 years to work up the nerve to cut my hair this short.
My hairdresser worked such magic with her mousse, curling iron, and spray, I start to worry:
What if I can’t replicate this look in the morning?
I shake my head, smile, readjust the mirror and step on the gas.
I still can’t believe I had the nerve to do it!
Too Easily Offended?
As expected, my new haircut causes quite the sensation when I join my family at the restaurant.
Over appetizers, I tell my aunt, “I’m worried about getting the little wispy hairs by my ears…” (she nods as I point) “…to curl forward when I do my hair all by myself in the morning.”
Suddenly, one of my cousins breaks out in uproarious laughter.
Patting his ears, he says “little wispies” over and over with increasing hilarity.
I stop talking, smile, and giggle.
He’s right. I need to let it go.
Another cousin joins the fun, patting his ears, chanting “little wispies,” and snorting.
Soon, all the two of them can do is look at me, look at each other, pat their ears, and double over laughing.
A hot glow begins in my stomach and spreads upward. I know, from eighteen years of experience, that bright red spots are blooming on my cheeks and my nose is starting to glow.
My giggling stops; I glue my smile in place.
It’s when my brother joins in the chorus of “little wispies! little wispies!” that my vision starts to blur and an icy wave washes over me, erasing my smile.
I gasp for breath, throw my napkin from my lap onto the table, and beat a hasty retreat to the restroom.
There, I berate myself for making such a scene and not being able to “take a joke.”
When I get back to the table, under-the-breath comments about how I “take things too personally” and need to “grow thicker skin” punctuate the rest of the meal.
At the end of the evening, the point is driven home: “Cheri, you know what your problem is? You’re just too easily offended.”
I believed I was in the wrong that night.
And for 30 years, I’ve told myself:
They were right.
The Difference Between Easily Offended and Highly Sensitive
I tell the “little wispies” story to a friend recently, and she asks questions I’ve never considered.
Friend: “How old were your cousins?”
Me: “5-10 years older than me.”
Friend: “How about your brother?”
Me: “7 years older.”
Friend: “How did you feel when your cousins were making fun of you?”
Me: (Recalling the rising heat, red cheeks, and glowing nose) “Embarrassed.”
Friend: “Might embarrassment be a natural emotion to feel when being mocked by two older men?”
Me: “But they were my cousins! They didn’t mean any harm!”
Friend: “Might embarrassment be a natural emotion to feel when being mocked by two older men?”
Me: “Yeah. I guess so.”
Friend: “How did you feel when your brother joined in?”
Me: “Oh, that’s what he always did. When you have older male cousins and one older brother, that’s par for the course!”
Friend: “How did you feel when your brother joined in?”
Me: (Remembering the douse of cold) “I felt ganged up on. It was fun when it was just one … but not 3-against-1.”
Friend: “Who did you blame that night?”
Me: “Myself, of course.”
And therein lies the difference:
People who are “easily offended” blame others.
Those of us who are Highly Sensitive tend to blame ourselves.
Now What?
Once we recognize this crucial difference, we can learn to stop blaming ourselves and start advocating for ourselves. These are two vital topics which I’ll address in upcoming blog posts.
For now, I invite you to join me in this simple noticing challenge.
Keep in mind that Highly Sensitive Persons are, by definition, (a) easily overwhelmed by external stimuli, and (b) easily overwhelmed by our own emotions.
Over the next three days, pay close attention to your responses, asking yourself:
- Am I being offended right now?
- Am I being overwhelmed right now?
At the end of each day, spend 5 minutes in reflection, pray-cessing the questions:
- When was I being offended today?
- When was I being overwhelmed today?
You may be tempted to rush ahead and wonder things like Are you going to tell me to stop blaming myself? and If I stop blaming myself, then who am I supposed to blame? and If I’m not at fault, doesn’t that automatically mean others are at fault?
We’ll get to these questions, I promise.
But for the next three days, simply notice:
offended?
or
overwhelmed?
This has been very enlightening already! Thanks for sharing.
Fellow HSP
Right now, for me…I am overwhelmed a lot! Sometimes offended, but mostly overwhelmed. I get where you are coming from in this post, though.
Overwhelmed most of the time. Which I now link to feeling unsafe. We have a desire to be safe. And when I get overwhelmed, I feel unsafe.
Thank you for reminding me, Cheri. I do get overwhelmed so easily. I want people to treat my comments seriously. This gives me value. When people don’t take me seriously I feel humiliated and inadequate and many other things and I really struggle to cope. If a close person does this I feel let down. I cannot think properly, I feel I am drowning. It takes some time to get my balance again. And I am wary of the other person.
How do I explain myself easily to someone who doesn’t understand. But then, I don’t want to explain at all really. I just want to be accepted, acknowledged and encouraged.
I find that i am confronted with “offended” or “sensitive” the most often is with my sister. In many ways we think alike but in the ways of personality/temperament we couldn’t be more different. I come away from our conversations feeling that she discounts my feelings in the name of being too sensitive.
I find it very immature that these “older” men found such humor at your expense.
You’re awesome, Cheri!
I always feel embarrassed when my boss comes up to e to point out things I’m doing wrong, even saying “unacceptable” (asking for reward sign up at a craft store is a must and I just wasn’t getting enough based on some policy). She did this everyday that she had my shift, but it was in earshot of people in the open. I understand that it was really her style of management but I could feel anxiety in the form of back tension whenever I worked with her. It’s been 3 years and she still does that. I guess I had been internalizing my anger to keep a steady income. It’s better to find a less toxic work environment, but I was always anxious to make a living, that I allowed that…
I just experienced this last night when a co-worker didn’t approve of what I did at work . Her seeming disapproval, in my mind, over something that I still couldn’t see fault in, reeked havoc in my spirit all night long, and of course into the morning. I beat myself up for being so “easily offended,” a “people pleaser,” somehow I should have known better, I thought. I wish that I wasn’t so sensitive. I wish that I wasn’t so “knocked down” emotionally when I am criticized, and could just be like “whatever,” instead. Thank you for letting us join this community, where other people understand how you feel.
What would a healthy reaction or response have been? Wouldn’t they still say you’re too easily offended if you had said something about not liking what they we’re saying?
Very helpful, Thanks Cherie! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
I have *ALWAYS* blamed myself; thus my struggles with anxiety and depression. It’s not about who is at fault. My therapist is helping me realize it’s about what can be learned in the midst of the pain. Something can *ALWAYS* be learned! Unfortunately, sometimes it takes 20 or 30 years to figure out what the lesson is.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I could really relate; I certainly had times in the past with people teasing me in a mean way, then making it my fault when they said I was too sensitive and should get over it.
I really look forward to your future posts about this topic. Just being aware that there is a difference between being easily offended or highly sensitive is really helpful. I will definitely be looking for this in my actions the next few days!
Thank you for sharing your story above-it was very validating.
I have realized another way to determine if one is “sensitive” or “easily offended” is that because we are highly sensitive-we tend to “do unto others as we would have them do to us” (at least this is true for myself)
Using your story-I don’t think you would have ever teased someone in your family like that and if you did-you would have soon noticed that they were embarrassed or hurt, etc. and would have stopped.
Easily offended people say hurtful things without regard to the other person’s feelings or reactions, while the opposite is generally true for those of us who are sensitive.
Also, I just want to say the actions of your middle aged cousins was immature and rude.
I think sometimes it matters if teasing is recognized as rude, insensitive, and/or coming from a mean spirit.
One big reason why life has been hard/hurtful for me is because I expect others to treat me with the kindness and respect I try and give to them. It was a major revelation and learning curve for me to realize life is not fair and for me to not expect the “golden rule” from most people.