One Step to Get Unstuck

 

 

It’s 11:30 PM. Waaaaaay past this earlybird’s bedtime.

But tonight has been well worth a few hours of lost sleep.

Dinner with girlfriends at my favorite Mediterranean restaurant followed by a live performance of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.

I haven’t had this much fun in…forever!

I smile, sigh, and start to unpack my purse.

I frown.

My hat, gloves, and earmuffs were at the top of my purse all evening … practically falling out, in fact.

Looks like I’ve lost more than sleep.

Deep digging produces nothing.

Oh well. I can order new ones.

The next morning, sticker shock dials my mood way down.

If I’d known these cost so much, I would have … 

I catch myself.

I’m getting stuck.

Reflecting = Growing Beyond

According to Experiential Learning Theory, we cycle constantly through four stages which I remember this way:

1)  DO – I have an experience. 

I stuffed my hat, gloves, and earmuffs in my purse and took them to the play. When I got home, I searched for them and discovered they were gone.

2) REVIEW – I reflect on the experience. 

I realized that my purse had been so full, the hat, gloves, and earmuff bundle had been precariously close to the top of my purse all evening.

3) CONCLUDE – I learn from the experience.

I learned that my purse was too small for everything I needed to take with me for the evening. My careless cramming came with a pricetag — replacing my hat, gloves, and earmuffs cost more than the theater ticket.

4) NEW – I act on what I’ve learned.

I chose to re-order the items I’d lost. Other options were certainly available to me. But the key point here is that I’ve taken action.

Also, I’ve initiated a new habit — zipping my purse shut before leaving the car. If it’s too full to zip, it’s too full. Again, there are other options. But the proof that I’ve learned is that I’ve taken action.

I did not stay stuck.

Ruminating = Going Nowhere

Getting un-stuck quickly is still new for me.

I used to get stuck without any clue why and stay stuck because I didn’t know what to do.

Here’s how the same scenario would have played out in the past:

1) DO – I have an experience.

I stuffed my hat, gloves, and earmuffs in my purse and took them to the play. When I got home, I searched for them and discovered they were gone.

2) REVIEW – I rehash the consequences.

• I need to buy replacements. 
• But they are going to cost too much. 
• That’s unacceptable.
• I’ll just make it through the winter without a cap, gloves, or earmuffs. 
• But then I’ll be cold, and taking a walk with Daniel will be miserable. 
• That’s unacceptable.
• I should call to see if anyone turned them in. 
• But even if someone did, I’m too busy to go back and get them. 
• That’s unacceptable.
• I need to buy…

3) CONCLUDE – I label myself (and/or others):

• You are so irresponsible! As far back as kindergarten, your report cards said, “Cheri needs to take better responsibility for her personal belongings.” You are a literal loser.

• You are a burden to your family. You’re spending money on yourself that should be spent on groceries to feed your children. That’s selfish.

What’s the one step on the Reflection Cycle that’s glaringly absent from the Rumination Cycle?

NEW.

Taking NEW action is the one step to get unstuck.

Choosing vs. Choking

The Reflection Cycle is all about being curious about your experience and what you can learn from it. But the Rumination Cycle is all about fear and blame and shame and judgment, all of which stunt – and even poison – both your learning and growth.

While ordering my replacement hat, gloves, and earmuffs, I once again jumped the track from Reflection to Rumination.

You don’t need these right now. Wait until it gets colder.

It felt so logical, I almost cancelled the entire order.

So when — September?  October?  November?  How will I remember?  What if we have a cold spell next week?  I guess getting a headache from cold ears will teach me a lesson…

That paralyzing helpless feeling started to tighten my stomach and tense my shoulders. And these days, I recognize what that feeling means:

I’m getting stuck.

Two reliable clues help me recognize when I’ve jumped the track from healthy Reflection to obsessive Rumination.

1)  I’m not choosing. I can’t take new action because NEW isn’t on the Rumination Cycle.

2) I’m choking on fear and blame and shame and judgment. I’m becoming self-absorbed rather than solution-oriented.

Get Off the Wheel

The Reflection Diagram really needs to be 3-D, shaped like an open-ended roller coaster rather than a closed circle.

When you start getting unstuck by taking new action, you break the self-reinforcing Same-Old-Thing power of the Rumination Cycle.

The next time you feel stuck, 1 step will help you grow beyond the hamster wheel that goes nowhere.

Do something NEW.