A couple of months ago, I wrote a blog post called, “One Way to Quit the Comparison Game.”
A dear friend left this comment, which she’s given me permission to share:
Ouch. This hits me in a tender spot. This morning, I was taking a trial at a new gym and two other moms from my son’s school were there. All I could think about is that they were looking at and judging me by how I was performing at my cardio routine. How self-obsessed is that?! This is something I really need to work on…
Now I am used to hearing “ouch” from those who read my blog and hear me speak.
(I regularly tell God, “Okay, today’s message will be finally be a FUNNY ONE, right? Today’s the day you let me release my inner comedienne, yes?” Several hours later, He’s given me another toe-stomper that leaves me limping the most.)
But this time, the “ouch” didn’t set right with me.
After prayer and reflection, I wrote back:
You’re not self-obsessed, my friend. You’ve been set up for the comparison game since before you had the power of choice.
When you’ve been told since earliest childhood that who you are is both “too much” and also “not enough,” comparison becomes your default setting.
Since who you actually are is unacceptable, the only remaining option is to be anybody but yourself.
You were told that you needed to “be more like so-and-so.” So, you dutifully looked* at others and learned to
- want what they have.
- want to do what they do.
- want to be who they are.
You compared yourself to others so that you could become “just like them” and finally be loved.
To fulfill your longing for belonging.
So you grew up with an external locus of control, putting your sense of worth in the hands of those around you.
Then, as an adult, you’re harshly criticized for playing the comparison game. But it’s the only game you’ve ever known. And you’ve been so careful to learn all the rules by heart.
Then Shame shows up with one-line zingers like, “How self-obsessed is that?!?”
Think back on your gym experience.
Try seeing yourself as an outcast little girl, on tippy-toes, looking in the window and longing to be an insider.
It’s not self-obsessed to wish you weren’t an outsider.
It’s not proud to long for connection and belonging and love.
It’s your birthright.
What I’m learning about myself is that when I see my envy as a little girl full of longing, I now know what to do and what not to do.
I no longer beat myself up with statements like, “How self-obsessed is that?!?” (Which never once cured my envy, but always buried me in shame.)
Instead, I make a more courageous choice.
I take her by the hand and lead her to the One who says, “suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me.”
To the One who calls her “daughter.”
To the One who “delights” in her.
Right where she always belongs.
Your Turn!
- When do you find yourself playing the “comparison game” the most?
- What true longing might be hidden within envy for you?
- Anything else on your heart!
This is great (but sad) stuff! Thanks.
oh this was so well written, thank you. I am raising boys here in Hawaii in the competitive surf community, and i am blown away by all they go through (and they are homeschooled! :)) It is hard to watch kids grow up and know that they are struggling to fit in, comparing themselves, and so on…Trying to give wise counsel, and keep speaking the truth, but this is a huge area. Thank you!! aloha
My heart does have a yearning to belong and the comparison can be saddening. But, that is why I have to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and individual that need the love of Christ every moment of every day and relying on God to met that need is a very courageous thing to do!! Good share.
Thank you, Cheri, for your understanding and guidance. “What I’m learning about myself is that when I see my envy as a little girl full of longing, I now know what to do and what not to do.” I need to do that more often. Since I was a little girl, that “not good enough” plagues me. So often I compare, even as I read blog posts. It’s like my default mode – always beating myself up. I want to take that little girl by the hand and bring her to Jesus, but so easily I forget.
Cheri….LOVE this. Thank you for your encouragement today. Your words truly (TRULY) spoke to my heart. I’m breathing in God’s grace here and grabbing onto the truth that because He is enough, I am, too.
Touched a wound in my life. Growing up hearing, “Why can’t you be this..or this..you’re such a smart girl..”. Then I became a stay-at-home mom limited by depression as to how much I could handle. And I hear “You are wasting your God-given brains…get a job like your friends who are doctors and lawyers and important people..” The funny thing is these people do love me and hate to see me suffering in need. And so I look at other women who have limitations too but who are prospering and I find myself clothed in shame. And yes, envy. Which finds no room for God to say , Come, let me delight in you. I need to know His delight as I am. Thank you for sharing.
Oh Cheri, those toe-stompers surely do hurt! But, I think you point out a valuable lesson to be learned – there is need for greater reliance on the One who makes our “too much” and “not enough” just right. When He showers us with His grace, it’s so much easier to take her hand and lead her back to The One. The only One who can show us who we really are. Loved this friend!
Sometimes as parents we don’t even know we are setting our children up. I told my daughter, who has been responding with major attitude lately, “Why don’t you just talk to me like a normal person?” She responded, “What if I’m not normal?” I was taken aback. I told her “I didn’t mean that, I meant like I am a ‘normal’ person that you would speak nicely to, not some stranger.” We definitely need to watch our words and examples and “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…” 1 Thessalonians 5:11