You Can Break the Habit of Self-Blame

For too many Christian women, the habit of Self-Blame is so deeply ingrained it’s as if #AllMyFault has become our default setting.

The good news: It’s a habit we can change.

Recently, a conflict with someone I care deeply about started me nose-diving into Self-Blame. But I was able to break my fall with one simple re-frame that I’m hoping you’ll find as helpful as I did.

If you’d like to hear me tell the story, click below to watch the 2-minute video. And if you prefer reading to viewing, you’ll find the transcript below the video:

Somebody I care deeply for brought up something they were upset with me for.

And my first reaction was: What have I done wrong now? How have I screwed up again?

I was very negative, very defensive.

But then as it played out, I became aware that the whole situation was the result of a misunderstanding.

I’d missed something … I’d missed something I wished I’d picked up on.

So then I started going down the rabbit hole of:

  • Oh my goodness: I’m 56, and I’m never going to pick everything up!
  • I’m always going to be screwing up in my relationships.
  • Woe is me …

I stopped and thought: 

What if this isn’t about me?

This is a good, long-standing relationship.

And I realized that instead of asking, “What have I done wrong now?”

Instead of obsessing over what I’d done wrong …

Instead of this lifelong preoccupation of, I just need to figure it out so it never happens again.

(You know — the old Perfectionism bully rearing its ugly head!)

I could be curious instead.

  • What if it’s normal that I miss things?
  • What if it’s normal that in relationships we seek repair?

(The importance of seeking repair is one of the things John Gottman’s research has taught us.)

And curiosity could move me from “What have I done wrong now?” to “What can I do right now?”

Curiosity could help me focus on:

“What can I do right now that will be right for this relationship?”

It was amazingly freeing to move out of the deep tunnel of Oh dear, I messed up again … I will never stop messing up … and move into:

  • Right now.
  • This present moment.
  • What does this relationship need?

It was surprisingly simple.

Not easy! But surprisingly simple.

And I came away from it thinking: 

I think I could do this again!

::

So the next time Self-Blame insists that you ask, “What have I done wrong now?” 

Please know:

  • You can pause.
  • You can gently — and firmly — tell Self-Blame to take a back seat.
  • You can invite Curiosity to join you in pray-cessing, “What can I do right now?”
  • You can act on the answer the Holy Spirit gives you.

P.S. This HSP propensity for Self-Blame is one of the topics we explore in the “Growing Sensitive & Strong: 5 Truth-Steps toward HSP Freedom” group coaching program which I’ll be offering again in 2023. To get first pick of the limited seats, you can add yourself to the Wait List right here.