Comparison has been a hot topic lately, with bloggers and Facebook images discussing
- Why Women Compare Themselves to Other Women
- How Women Compare Themselves to Other Women
- How Women Can Stop Comparing Themselves to Other Women
Most conversations come down to one conclusion: comparison is proof of pride.
I won’t disagree.
But I will pose a couple questions:
- What if comparison isn’t always evidence of an over-inflated ego?
- What if comparison sometimes attests to an agonizingly absent sense of self?
“Sense of Self”
Years ago, I read a research article about what makes girls susceptible to eating disorders. Turns out that the #1 common quality among girls with eating disorders is a profound lack of “sense of self.”
I re-read the article several times, looking for a definition of “sense of self.” When I couldn’t find one, I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what that phrase might mean.
I finally concluded: if I’m struggling this much to understand what a “sense of self” is, maybe I don’t have one?
A Pole and Posters
As far back as I can remember, I’ve tried to piece together my sense of self by making myself more like everyone else.
I’ve been like a telephone pole plastered with posters.
Look at her gorgeous curly hair; I’ll get a perm so I can have gorgeous curly hair just like her!
Plaster that poster to the pole.
Mother admires how she plays piano; I should practice until I can play just like her!
Plaster that poster to the pole.
All the teachers laugh at how funny she is; I need to be funnier just like her!
Plaster that poster to the pole.
Playing the Game
Perhaps, like me, you spent your formative years perfecting the game of poster plastering.
You know the rules:
- Find someone who’s got what you need.
- Be her.
See how much she’s loved?
Plaster.
See how well she’s accepted?
Plaster.
See how easily she belongs?
Plaster.
Until you’re nothing.
But
poster upon
poster upon
poster.
Changing the Rules
If you’ve read this far and have no idea what I’m talking about, I envy you.
Well, actually I don’t.
Not any more.
A few years ago, I would have envied you, grabbed your poster, and used hundreds of staples to try to plaster you over me.
Now, I’m glad for you.
Glad that some women women figure out who they are when they’re young.
Quitting the Game
But for those still seeking a sense of self well into adulthood, here’s what I’m finding:
Comparison isn’t always proof of pride. Sometimes, comparison is proof of pain. (Click to Tweet this.)
Plastering yourself with posters hurts, after all.
So the next time you feel envy welling up inside,
- Pause.
- Put down the stapler.
- Prayerfully ask, What can this momentary comparison teach me about my true self?
Turns out that finding your sense of self isn’t a game.
It’s a treasure hunt.
In which comparison can become a clue to finding the real you.
I’d love to hear your perspective!
What posters have you plastered over the years? How have you learned to set down the stapler?
As an artist, I’ve noticed a lot of the comparison thing. When most people compliment someone’s art, they tend to be extremely vague. “You’re so talented” is one I’ve heard so many times that it’s honestly starting to sound scripted. On the other hand, art teachers tend to go directly to comparison. “This piece reminds me of a Japanese woodblock print”, or “you paint like van gogh”, or “you should draw more openly, like [other student in class, whose style is not my style at all]”. I’ve noticed in all my art classes that the students tend to be very insecure, often mimic the teacher exactly on style choices (it’s kind of shocking how those students make their stuff look like it was made by someone else), and tend to be extremely self critical. I think it’s sad that so many people lose confidence, or even their own sense of style in art because of the way art teachers constantly play that comparison game. In college an artist came in for a lecture about her work, and she said that it took her 14 years to find herself after college. It struck me as odd, because I already knew who I was, long before college. I think perhaps the way school is set up really beats the individuality out of most people, so by the time they get out of college, they have no idea who they are.
It also struck me as odd, in the “graduation” between elementary and middle school, about 90 percent of the kids said they wanted to be a pediatrician when they grew up. What happened to the ones who wanted to be policemen or teachers, or firemen or dinosaurs? What happened to the sports players, the musicians, the inventors, and the astronauts? Why do we let school crush our dreams so quickly? All of those dreams are achieveable. I mean, being a dinosaur might take some creative problem solving, but you can get a job dressing up as a dinosaur. If everyone takes the practical route, the one that pays best, or the stable nine to five job, then the world is going to become a very boring place, where no one is quite happy with what they are doing.
This is what I see when friends on Facebook talk about how they hate someone (even if it’s jokingly) for being pretty or having a clean house or something. They obviously are missing something in their own lives to be saying things like that to their Facebook followers.
Unfortunately we live in a culture that pushes us into comparing ourselves with others all the time. The cosmetic, fashion, and diet industries (among others) profit by relentlessly showing us images of others who are younger, thinner, smoother, better dressed, etc., etc., and manipulating us into believing that we need their products in order to be good enough. Because we are surrounded with these messages from a very young age, it is very difficult not to internalize them to some degree. Even extremely beautiful women often perceive themselves as seriously flawed because they compare themselves to the false perfection of media images. And it isn’t just appearance. How often do we hear about people who seem able to do it all – raise four perfect children, be CEO of a multinational corporation while doing charity work in underdeveloped nations, and rescue endangered animals, while designing hats as a hobby. And then we feel bad about ourselves because in our lives it’s a real challenge just to get the kids off to school and get to our part time jobs on time. It can be hard to truly believe that (a) the people we compare ourselves to probably aren’t as perfect or as happy as we imagine and (b) it doesn’t matter how perfect and happy they are because we need to live our own lives, not someone else’s. It took me a long time to understand that my contributions to the world, however small they seem, are important. People love me – not based on how much I weigh or what my hair looks like today or what my grade point average was in college – but because of my unique set of talents and gifts, and the genuine love in my heart.
Cheri I love your perspective on things. And I don’t need to have your perspective on life. I’m just so glad that you have it and are so willing to share your gift with me and many others. We need each other, and the gifts that God has individually given us. I love what you said about figuring out who I am uniquely made to be, and to walk comfortably in my own shoes. No more plastering myself with other peoples gifts. my job is to find out my gifts and to “LIVE OUT LOUD” with them. Thanks for sharing, and encouraging.
Ingrid
Thank YOU for YOUR encouragement, Ingrid!!!